A little bit of me dies every day it would seem. Of course, I might be taking that back when the emotional buffer kicks in. IF it kicks in. I wonder if it works when W has control of the system...I mean, since he's able to convert and use dark energy...
I guess no one ever reads this stuff...but then again, ain't that just like in real life? No one ever goes below the surface. Why would they? W is so much more acceptable to them than I am. The irony of it all.
I don't know...these few days, there just doesn't seem to be anything worth bitching about. Well, there is, but its all the same old stuff I'm usually going on about...and now its come to the point where I'm tired of repeating myself.
I'll say this though. My Christian life has hit an all time low. Its come to the point where I can see why Satan and that 1/3 of the angels would rebel against God. Why be a prince in heaven when you can be a king on earth? Why take orders from someone when you can be free? I'm wondering if all those 1/3 of the angels actively supported Satan or even those who took a neutral stance got thrown out too. I wasn't there, so I can't claim to know. But at my present state, I rather suspect that if I was there, I'b have been part of that 1/3.
I ought to be content with what I have. I should be. As a Christian. I should be serving God. I should be happy.
But I'm not. I'm miserable. Not like anyone cares. Well, okay, I know someone who does, but since he's in the same boat as me, does he count? Just at, at the moment, I'm at the sinking end and he's at the one above water. But the boat is still sinking. The fact is, I'm not happy. I'm not even content with that I have, as much as I ought to be. Then again, what do I have? All things considered, I don't have anything to lose. Am I serving God? Nope, unless THIS is his will for me(a possibility I'm still not discounting). I'm at that point where I'm almost prepared to go to any means...to do anything...to change this life...to make a life for myself. I'm SICK and TIRED of being screwed at every turn, of almost being a living murphy's law. All I want is a nice loving family, a circle of friends where I feel I belong and a mate. Is that too much to ask?!?! NORMAL people have at least 2 out of the 3, if not all 3 and more on the side. I barely have 1!!! I'm not talking about bad hand, I'm talking about those "Oh shit no matter what I do I'm screwed" ones. The only thing I have left is me...well, my mind anyway. Which God in his infinite mercy so generously provided me with. However, that mind can't see any way out of this mess without taking some drastic and sinful steps. Oh, yeah, he gave me a heart too. One that was once caring and capable of love. One that had no defence to the brutal mutilation it would suffer at the hands of the world. A heart that I'm trying to prevent from becoming any more cold and twisted than it already it...a heart of festering wounds. What was the point?!? To make me suffer?
I'm sick of suffering. I'm sick of this world. And since God won't be so merciful as to just blink me out of existence, I'm going to have to make do. I've tried the side of light and you know what? It doesn't work. Maybe it does, but I'm just not meant to be there. Kinda like Judas or Saul. I'm about ready to turn to the darkness for help. Almost, but I'm practically there. What have I got to lose? At my current state, I'm going to hell anyway. I'll either make a pact with the dark one or I'll just rely on myself, either one will still land me in hell. I'm sorry Lord, but right now, your grace ain't sufficient for me. Sure, Paul got a thorn in his flesh. I get the forty dozen bullet wounds. That didn't kill me right off the bat. Whee. Joy. Fun. I may come to regret saying all this later on. But right now, this is how I feel.
Strength? Yeah, I need strength. Maybe I was strong from the start. Maybe that's why God threw my in this crappy situation. Because he thinks I'm Job, version 1.02 Well, I'm no Job. I'm not going to curse him and die, but I'm certainly not going to just accept my lot. Back then, 7 years ago, I almost paid an awful price for the strength I needed to survive. But at the same time, I found God...who, shall we say, allowed my a discount. Its not that I'm not thankful, I am...he's allowed me to get through some of the most difficult of threats to my future...but...its come to seem more like saving a drowning man, just to throw him in the drink again...repeat ad-infinitum. I just want to be happy. Or content. I just...I'm human damn it. Deep down, I'm still human.
Its time...I paid the price. In full. I just...can't take it anymore.
I guess no one ever reads this stuff...but then again, ain't that just like in real life? No one ever goes below the surface. Why would they? W is so much more acceptable to them than I am. The irony of it all.
I don't know...these few days, there just doesn't seem to be anything worth bitching about. Well, there is, but its all the same old stuff I'm usually going on about...and now its come to the point where I'm tired of repeating myself.
I'll say this though. My Christian life has hit an all time low. Its come to the point where I can see why Satan and that 1/3 of the angels would rebel against God. Why be a prince in heaven when you can be a king on earth? Why take orders from someone when you can be free? I'm wondering if all those 1/3 of the angels actively supported Satan or even those who took a neutral stance got thrown out too. I wasn't there, so I can't claim to know. But at my present state, I rather suspect that if I was there, I'b have been part of that 1/3.
I ought to be content with what I have. I should be. As a Christian. I should be serving God. I should be happy.
But I'm not. I'm miserable. Not like anyone cares. Well, okay, I know someone who does, but since he's in the same boat as me, does he count? Just at, at the moment, I'm at the sinking end and he's at the one above water. But the boat is still sinking. The fact is, I'm not happy. I'm not even content with that I have, as much as I ought to be. Then again, what do I have? All things considered, I don't have anything to lose. Am I serving God? Nope, unless THIS is his will for me(a possibility I'm still not discounting). I'm at that point where I'm almost prepared to go to any means...to do anything...to change this life...to make a life for myself. I'm SICK and TIRED of being screwed at every turn, of almost being a living murphy's law. All I want is a nice loving family, a circle of friends where I feel I belong and a mate. Is that too much to ask?!?! NORMAL people have at least 2 out of the 3, if not all 3 and more on the side. I barely have 1!!! I'm not talking about bad hand, I'm talking about those "Oh shit no matter what I do I'm screwed" ones. The only thing I have left is me...well, my mind anyway. Which God in his infinite mercy so generously provided me with. However, that mind can't see any way out of this mess without taking some drastic and sinful steps. Oh, yeah, he gave me a heart too. One that was once caring and capable of love. One that had no defence to the brutal mutilation it would suffer at the hands of the world. A heart that I'm trying to prevent from becoming any more cold and twisted than it already it...a heart of festering wounds. What was the point?!? To make me suffer?
I'm sick of suffering. I'm sick of this world. And since God won't be so merciful as to just blink me out of existence, I'm going to have to make do. I've tried the side of light and you know what? It doesn't work. Maybe it does, but I'm just not meant to be there. Kinda like Judas or Saul. I'm about ready to turn to the darkness for help. Almost, but I'm practically there. What have I got to lose? At my current state, I'm going to hell anyway. I'll either make a pact with the dark one or I'll just rely on myself, either one will still land me in hell. I'm sorry Lord, but right now, your grace ain't sufficient for me. Sure, Paul got a thorn in his flesh. I get the forty dozen bullet wounds. That didn't kill me right off the bat. Whee. Joy. Fun. I may come to regret saying all this later on. But right now, this is how I feel.
Strength? Yeah, I need strength. Maybe I was strong from the start. Maybe that's why God threw my in this crappy situation. Because he thinks I'm Job, version 1.02 Well, I'm no Job. I'm not going to curse him and die, but I'm certainly not going to just accept my lot. Back then, 7 years ago, I almost paid an awful price for the strength I needed to survive. But at the same time, I found God...who, shall we say, allowed my a discount. Its not that I'm not thankful, I am...he's allowed me to get through some of the most difficult of threats to my future...but...its come to seem more like saving a drowning man, just to throw him in the drink again...repeat ad-infinitum. I just want to be happy. Or content. I just...I'm human damn it. Deep down, I'm still human.
Its time...I paid the price. In full. I just...can't take it anymore.
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