You know how in all those stories(notably gong fu stories, anime/manga of that type), the protagonist usually has to seek out some guru/hermit/crazy joker who chooses to isolate him/herself away from the community at large in order to learn the most powerful skills or techniques? Well, guess what? There's actually a LOT of basis for truth in that kind of thing. The irony: I've come to this conclusion in following my interest in growing carnivorous plants.

The fact is that in any of those communities, YES, even the local carnivorous plant growers circle, there's a shitload of politics going on. Hell, you'd think that in a community as small as this - we're talking about what? No more than 20-40 or so people tops? - people would be able to just help each other and develop on their interest and skill of growing CPs, but noooooooooooooo. In reality, there've been a few queen bitches(yes interestingly, all of them are female) who have been playing a nasty game of politics and using lies and backstabbing, plus a lot of sucking up, have been effectively getting rivals kicked out of the community. YES, this means YOU: C-I-N-D-Y N-G you disgustng, filthy, vermin-ridden piece of demon crap. If any of you readers ever go to one of those Garden Festivals or whatever, she'll be the one promoting pitcher plants or helping out at the booth of a certain nursery. Even spitting on her would be too good for her.

What does this have to do with hermits and gurus? Well, the people like her basically kill off anyone more skilled or who know more than themselves, while choosing a select 1 or 2 who are easy to manipulate and who can help them become hailed by the community as the top dog. WTF. If this means a community of thousands worship the crap you poop because they think you're truely l33t, that's one thing, but in a community of ~30?!?

Naturally, the people who have a true passion for that art/skill/etc would either end up 'killed off' by such people or would get so utterly disgusted with the situation that they end up just following their passion on their own. Because these Queen Bitches tend to have various connections...well, lets just say that a lie repeated often enough becomes the truth and so these people end up losing most if not all their friends in that community. Poof, instant isolation.

You might think that I'm cranky and thinking this way just because I've had the misfortune to cross one of these demon crap, but there's more, which is thankfully much less disgusting. In all the years that I've been growing CPs, there have been two people who have stood out above the rest.

The first of these is an old guy I tracked down to his home in Australia. I was after the Australian pitcher plant, aka Cephalotus. It was and still is a relatively rare plant and at that point in time, the local CP community claimed was not possible to grow locally. So anyway, I met up with the guy and he was nice enough to sell me a seed-grown seedling, along with a few Pings(another kind of CP). He have me a LOT of very detailed and useful advice, along with showing me his collection, which he claimed wasn't much, but was frankly better than any local grower's, including mine. I left his place feeling quite lucky, especially because he was really a very nice and friendly guy, to treat a total stranger as such. Well, I didn't know just how lucky I was. In fact, I found out later that this guy was THE man when it came to Pings, with over 40 YEARS growing experience! He'd been growing those for longer than I had lived! Now this was a TRUE expert/guru and he was humble, nice and totally without airs! It did kind of also explain his initial reaction, which was "How the heck did you even find me?".

The second is a Dr. at the Cezch Institute of Botany. I initally contacted them to buy some Aldrovanda, another rare and difficult to grow CP, which they were doing some research on. He was the guy who replied to me and he was so much more friendly and knowledegable than the typical seller of CPs. I had thought that it was simply because he was some staff there and perhaps their culture was like that. Soon, I had a nice discussion going on with him over email. Plus, he also offered to replace some plants which didn't come in too great a condition. It was only later when I checked the Institute's site that I discovered that he was a Dr(Ph.D, not medical) and more or less the guy in charge of their research in Aldrovanda...and I was more or less on a first name basis with him! Again, humble, nice and without airs, in spite of being THE man.

These were two guys who had the passion, the skill and knowledge...and they were more or less hidden away from the typical CP grower and the CP community. The classic hermit profile. I've not met anyone like them in any of the CP communities I've been in, local or overseas(via online forums). If anyone, they're to thank for the fact that I've now got and am successfully growing almost every genera(minus one) of CP on the planet. As to how I tracked them down if they were really isolated enough to be 'hermits'...well, I'm not a lot of things, but anyone who knows me won't be able to deny that I am resourceful. Besides, that's the difference between Passion and mere Interest.

I got tagged so here goes:

Here's the drill:

a. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
b. Tag seven people to do the same.
c. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag “whoever wants to do it”.

a.
1. I smile more as my mood worsens.
2. I've got over 150 different species/hybrids of Carnivorous Plants growing at home.
3. The oldest stuffed toy I've still got around is roughly my age.
4. I love the cold and sleep in a T-shirt and shorts with the air-con turned down to 16C. But my feet do get a blanket :P
5. I've been blessed with a fantastic medical issue that means I could potentially and realistically die in the next second or live to a ripe old age, but its more or less totally beyond my control and can't be treated.
6. I somehow feel more at home when I'm overseas than when I'm not.
7. I just wear a jacket due to habit, developed thanks to having filthy gangster-ish classmates back in JC.

b.
1. Pete
2. Mel
3. ?
4. ?
5. ?
6. ?
7. What? Can I help it if my friends don't have blogs?!?

c.
I have no idea who actually still reads my blog except maybe Snoc, Pete and Mel. So yeah. Therefore its...Pete and Mel.

Potential. Its a word that I've heard waaaay too many times over the years, most of the time in the context of me wasting my potential. Heh.

Now, I usually brushed such comments aside, but recent events have caused me to give it more careful thought. I've come to the conclusion that my problem has NOT been that I'm too lazy or whatever to tap that potential, but more that I've never known HOW to tap that potential. At least not on command. Which is freaking annoying to say the least.

Various events have been like pieces of a strange puzzle...which are starting to come together. My uncle has a theory that my brain works quickly, too quickly. Which is why my memory sucks: I simply don't spend the necessary time pondering over something to remember it after I comprehend it.

The next piece which adds on to this is that for the things that I like, I tend to spend more time reading/watching/etc. This isn't really by choice, I just *can* spend more time on it simply because my mind enjoys such stuff and does not just switch off merely after I comprehend it. My mind enjoys the embrace of the subject matter. This manifests itself in many ways, but most notably in that I can spend a long time slowly reading nature books for example. As a side note, I think it works this way with me and food...I'll tend to take my time on it simply to savour the experience, but that's irrelevant.

However, a completely different set of events has made me convinced that my problem is two-fold. It is not merely that the content is not being absorbed...in fact, it may all actually get absorbed and that may not be a problem at all. The problem is in the recall of the information. I can't seem to recall information on command. The more I try to remember something, the less able I am to do it. However, if I try and recall the information without actually trying to recall it, it comes up easily. This is most obvious in settings where it is not the information itself which is important, but the application of the information. For some strange reason, when that requirement occurs, I can quickly recall the information to apply it. Another setting which I can seem to recall stuff quickly and completely is when I'm under such extreme time constraint to give and answer that I have to just shoot the first thing I can think of, such as in certain exam settings or while watching fast paced game shows, such as The Weakest Link. In most cases, the answer I give in such contexts is correct, although I will later wonder how or why I know that information or be amazed that I was able to remember it.

All these pieces of the puzzle seem to fit together with my "zoning out"...periods when I do stuff which almost always turns out very well, but after I'm done, I tend not to remember the details of me doing those things...like presentations, exams, essays, projects, etc. I remember vaguely doing them, but not the exact details of what and how I did them.

Perhaps I've underestimated my mind and I should've been focusing on how to tap this potential...although I can't be blamed since I did not realise how it worked and got distracted by various things along the way. Curious. How very curious. It makes me wonder about what is known as 6th sense...perhaps within the human mind is locked a special kind of perception which also remains untapped by most humans. I wonder if there is a way to tap it too...and perhaps the bigger leap of the unexplained...could things like faith healings, telekenesis and all that other stuff be possible, just that we don't tap upon them? Its worth exploring...

A person who I consider to be a demon will remain so always, except in exceptional circumstances. They will be forever exempt from any moral or ethical constraints which may be binding me at any point of time, meaning that ANY course of action, no matter how immoral, unethical or just plain evil it may be is totally and utterly acceptable when it comes to dealing with such people. Since I find myself no longer bound by the selfish rules of an uncaring god, it will no doubt be easier to take such actions with the necessary impunity.

Speaking of the god, its been my first christmas away from him and if anything, what really makes it feel good is the whole honesty of it all. I can finally be honest about my feelings towards him, instead of restraining myself and trying to force myself to ignore what I see with my own eyes and believe that he actually cares.

ALL the people who have done great damage to me in my life all, yes, ALL, are people who claim to be christians. Here's the one option which I've had to try and pretend didn't exist for all these long years: they're his servants and they've been acting according to his will. Can there be any other explaination to it all? As to why they all seem to be propering so greatly now? It be his reward for jobs well done.

I have my doubts I will ever go back. It was with naught but sheer will and stubborness that I forced myself to stay with him...and now it will be that exact same sheer will and stubborness that will keep me from going back. I tried my best and he cruely and saddistically tortured me all that time. THAT is my testament.

And so I step out into the world, knowing that he will probably continue to smite me each step of the way, but at least now I don't have to praise him for it.

As far as music is concerned, it really seems like the world has hit the pits. Okay, english music anyway. Somehow, most songs today seem so devoid of meaning and the people who sing them seem devoid of passion. Its not all crap, but it is practically all crap considering how rare it is to find a decent song. I'm sure most of the people who read my blog would disagree, but then again, I've always felt rather temporally displaced. As much as I don't like the past for various reasons, the more I look back and the music of bygone eras, the more I find that the best of those eras far outshines whatever crap the best of this day and age can offer. Seriously, there really isn't any point buying albums anymore...might as well just get the single of that one/two good song(s). Its quite different from the past, when the great idols of those generations were great not because they were one hit wonders, but because they would churn out hit after hit after hit and multiple singles in the same album would reach the top ten. Perhaps the best evidence of this is when a modern singer covers an old song and that again hits top ten. I doubt any singer of the modern age will be remembered like the many legends of the past: Elvis, ABBA, Bob Dylan, Michael Jackson, The Beatles, Frank Sinatra, Eagles, just to name a few. There are others too, who may not be known so well today by name, but whose songs are certainly known, like Don Mclean or Simon and Garfunkel.

The music of today is sex driven(usually because the singer is wearing practically nothing and/or looks hot or something), usually devoid of meaning and imagery and heck, might not even have a nice beat.

I'm starting to see an interesting parallel with Singapore. The singers of today aren't all bad. In fact, maybe there are more good singers and songs today. However, there aren't any greats. Just like Singapore, where the typical person may perhaps be more well rounded and/or better off in various ways than the average person from any other country...but you won't see a great person come out of here, that's for sure. We had perhaps one...and that is LKY.

The first time I was alone, I found the outcasts. Then I wasn't.

The second time I was alone, I was found by the demons, who made my life hell. My few allies weren't enough and I sought God. I thought I found him and so I didn;t feel alone.

Then I found friends, few they were, but at least they WERE.

Now I'm fairly sure that W triggers when I'm feeling alone, which has been happening more than ever these days.

I doubt God was ever with me and it was all a delusion. It kept me sane perhaps, but it was a delusion. A loving, merciful God would never have pushed me this far. I really can't take it anymore. I'm done trusting simply because I just don't have the will anymore. I'm just tired.

I also sense a rift forming between me and Kao, which I guess isn't too surprising. Why? I'm not too sure, but then again, when have people needed a reason to get sick of me? It was a pretty good indication when he just couldn't be bothered to get out of bed to come out for lunch on sunday...and the sunday after that...and the next one too...and so on. So be it then. If you are reading this blog, then you'll know me well enough to know that I'm not the sort of person who will run after someone who walks away from me or who has any inclination to stop them from leaving, no matter how much I may want them to stay. I've only done it once ever in my life, upon advice...and well, a fat lot of good that was anyway. You either choose to stay with me...or well, that's your choice. Also, he ought to know by now too, that given my independent nature, I will refuse with a vengence to let someone else make my decisions for me without my consent. I will decide for myself whether something is good for me or not or whether I should do something or not, etc. This issue I also have with my parents, come to think of it. Perhaps this is just like my friendship with Joel: its reached the limit of what it could be and that's it. Who knows.

I am far, far too tired to keep on going like this. The irony is that it really doesn't take much to keep W in check. I have to be thankful for the few people over at NIE who have, at one time or another, helped me keep W in check by just simply responding to me...by actually talking back. Things would be much worse without those small brief moments of reprieve.

I should make a note of thanks here to Snoc, who saw my previous post and sent her condolences. Thanks, it really means a lot to me. I have been meaning to call, but trust me, I've been overworked, tired and overly cranky, so...not the best of phone company, I can assure you.

I do now understand how wonderful it is to actually meet someone who has practically the same take on life as you do. Sure, I don't think the future holds anything for me and her, but the fact that I'm even on speaking terms with her is nothing short of a miracle, heh. It is really nice ot know that there's someone else out there who isn't a workaholic, who's doing a job for the cash, who just wants to slack off too, etc. It may sound mushy, but it isn't meant to be, but when I'm with her, I can laugh, I can relax and I can just be myself without any condemnation...and most of all, I can speak my true feelings and have, for perhaps the first time in my life, have someone actually know what I mean AND agree with everything. As much as I like difference because it keeps things interesting, this experience ain't bad either, at least in the short term.

I'm glad too for my Pen Pal in the Philippines, another one who has beaten the odds. Seriously, how long can you keep emails going with someone you've never met in person? I met her online in the early days of NS and to this day we actually still write to each other. Its been what, 6+ years? To find someone like that is rare enough, but when the emails get so long it takes hours to reply them, to find someone who will still actually do that, considering the circumstances...now that's something else.

I gotta say, at least in recent days, its been these 3 ladies who have kept me sane. Thanks :)

Today a tear has been shed by the boy who, for the longest time, has been unable to cry. It is on this solem day, roughly around 7-8pm, that I mark the passing of my beloved Godmother. She lead a blessed life and was blessed enough to pass away quickly and with minimal suffering, considering what she was down with. Perhaps it was for the best that the problem never manifested itself till it was far too late. Perhaps it was good too, that she went before age could take her senses and mobility completely.

However...though she is hopefully in a better place...she will be missed.

I will miss her. A LOT. Because I loved her more than I knew.

This house will be empty without her. She was always cheerful and caring, generous and understanding.

Words fail to express what I feel now and I won't try because I can't do any justice to her or the situation. But anyone who knows me will know that what I've already said holds far, far more meaning that these simple words would imply.

Goodbye, Godma...