All that you take with you is what you leave behind.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Who is greater, the master or the slave? For the master needs the slave to define him/her, but the slave has no need of the master at all. Lit class never fails to get me thinking, either via the stuff I have to cook up to write the essays, or how the concepts help me to see my situation through different eyes. Darn, I should've become a Lit major. No, wait...NUS is already making me make bio(But not so for my beloved plants and animals, I hope I never come to lose that wonder I have for you guys), it would be a horror...the horror...if it made me hate Lit as well. Thinking back to my childhood...I see this master/slave...or rather, oppressor/oppressed relationship in those that made me suffer so back then. They were a close knit bunch back then...but how close are they now. United...dare I say, defined by their drive to oppress me, now that I am gone from their lives, their unity has dissolved greatly. Yet I...I am as I ever was...me.
The whole concept of 'othering' has made me see W in a different light as well. In the case of Jekyll and Hyde, Hyde wasn't another person, just the side of Jekyll that wasn't socially acceptable, hidden away...repressed till it became toxic. Jekyll was the respectable, socially accepted side which was what a proper gentleman of that era should have been. Much like W and myself. W is the creation, that which can survive...no, thrive in the world. Using him to face the world would quite probably get me to where I want to me, get me what I want...and more. Sure, this would compromise all that makes me, me...but hey, it would work. Of course, I'm not so sure allowing W free reign would get me to heaven, but oh well. W is very much the Jekyll of today's world. Me, on the other hand, am Hyde. The key feature of Hyde that is often missed is that Mr Hyde, as Jekyll as nicely puts it, is underdeveloped. His are emotions, feelings and personality traits repressed by the strict formality of Jekyll's era. Thus this undevelopement is mirrored in his appearence. Many think of Hyde as a large, monsterous, hulk of a man. This can't be further from the truth. Hyde was very much a stooped-over dwarfish man. So who created whom? It was Jekyll who was created first, the mask to hide the default personality of the man. Eventually, that personality became locked inside and it took a potion to bring it out again. That was Hyde. So why did Jekyll even create the potion to release Hyde? Because that's who he was. Hyde. This is just my personal opinion, but I'll be he couldn't stand living the lie anymore. He couldn't hold it back...he just wanted to be who he really was...and behave as he really was. Hyde was shunned and hated by all who met him. Without even getting to know him, with only a mere look at him, he would be written off by people. Sound familiar?
I guess I've really had enough. I always thought it would be anger which would lead me to call on W again, if I ever did so. I never thought I could screw up my own life so badly by just...being me. W was right all along. I really am a kid. I have to grow up. And I will.
I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find...
As I try to make my way
To the Ordinary world
I will learn to survive...
From the song 'Ordinary World' by Duran Duran. I couldn't have said it better myself. To bad I haven't figured out how to prevent an oversurge yet. But never mind. I think its time I took things a little more seriously from now on. Welcome back, W.
The whole concept of 'othering' has made me see W in a different light as well. In the case of Jekyll and Hyde, Hyde wasn't another person, just the side of Jekyll that wasn't socially acceptable, hidden away...repressed till it became toxic. Jekyll was the respectable, socially accepted side which was what a proper gentleman of that era should have been. Much like W and myself. W is the creation, that which can survive...no, thrive in the world. Using him to face the world would quite probably get me to where I want to me, get me what I want...and more. Sure, this would compromise all that makes me, me...but hey, it would work. Of course, I'm not so sure allowing W free reign would get me to heaven, but oh well. W is very much the Jekyll of today's world. Me, on the other hand, am Hyde. The key feature of Hyde that is often missed is that Mr Hyde, as Jekyll as nicely puts it, is underdeveloped. His are emotions, feelings and personality traits repressed by the strict formality of Jekyll's era. Thus this undevelopement is mirrored in his appearence. Many think of Hyde as a large, monsterous, hulk of a man. This can't be further from the truth. Hyde was very much a stooped-over dwarfish man. So who created whom? It was Jekyll who was created first, the mask to hide the default personality of the man. Eventually, that personality became locked inside and it took a potion to bring it out again. That was Hyde. So why did Jekyll even create the potion to release Hyde? Because that's who he was. Hyde. This is just my personal opinion, but I'll be he couldn't stand living the lie anymore. He couldn't hold it back...he just wanted to be who he really was...and behave as he really was. Hyde was shunned and hated by all who met him. Without even getting to know him, with only a mere look at him, he would be written off by people. Sound familiar?
I guess I've really had enough. I always thought it would be anger which would lead me to call on W again, if I ever did so. I never thought I could screw up my own life so badly by just...being me. W was right all along. I really am a kid. I have to grow up. And I will.
I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find...
As I try to make my way
To the Ordinary world
I will learn to survive...
From the song 'Ordinary World' by Duran Duran. I couldn't have said it better myself. To bad I haven't figured out how to prevent an oversurge yet. But never mind. I think its time I took things a little more seriously from now on. Welcome back, W.
Friday, January 28, 2005
Sunday, January 16, 2005
I actually typed out a whole long post...but that would be whining. So...I'm feeling lousy. Really lousy. Yup, that's it.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Life. What can I say? I suppose that W is very much needed after all. What else is new? I guess that's how things are. I'm far from fit for survival...and not only do I not bring pleasure to those I care about, I bring pain, annoyance, etc to them instead. What good is that?
In other news, I've decided to boycott the unofficial Singapore Star Trek Fan club forums. I'll still cary out my duties as a Tournament Director and continue to promote the Star Trek CCG on their message boards; the game shouldn't suffer for this, especially since the ones who are actually seriously playing aren't at fault. However, certain people on those boards, one of them being a founding member I believe, have seen it fit to condemn me on the boards. Not just my opinions, but the use of language specifically condemns me. Then again, his english does suck. Heh. But to add further insult to injury, I've been awarded a warning from the forum admin for my post defending myself. I know I've a tendency to go overboard, but that post certainly didn't. However, it would seem that a rational defence is no match for politics. My mail to the admin asking for an explaination as to why exactly my post deserved a warning has gone unanswered. No surprise there. I've decided to turn the offenders over to W to deal with. As for the forums, it would seem that the aren't open minded enough to accept my ideas...basically thoughts and opinions which differ from their's. How ironic, it being a Star Trek forum. So much for the betterment of humanity.
School is presenting much of a worry too. No...worry is the wrong word...concern suits it more. What can I say? I've had this naive perception of what I thought a university education would be like and believe it or not, its taken three whole sems to actually break through and shatter that. To top it all off, its making me very much apathic too. Thank goodness I still care about that. It would seem that I've to got revert back to my attitude from as far back as secondary school. That school is not, no matter how I wish it, going to give me a decent education. All it'll give me is a piece of paper, which is a testament to how compliant I am, how well I deal with politics within the system, how well I suck up and how wonderful my memory is. Once again it is going to take up my time, wasting it mostly, and stand in the way of me persuing my interests. A grade here is no more representative of my understanding and ability to apply a subject/concept than it was back in secondary school. I have respected few teachers during the years I spent back at secondary school and JC. My mistake here was to give my respect too freely, only to realise it was misplaced. While a prof might be a great researcher in his or her field of study, it in no way makes him/her a decent teacher. I have to acknowledge that I have a great resentment at being forced to take up subjects I have utterly no interest in. Sadly, it is not in my nature to learn to love something just because I might as well like what i'm doing. So far...electives aside, I have only taken two modules that I've got any interest in...in four sems no less. To persue my interests, it looks like I'll have to return to doing my own reading, in my own time, just as I was doing before I entered the university.
At the end of the story, these concerns are but my own. I think I see why Kao keeps silent most of the time. I've also come to realise why he came to the conclusion that desiring to be loved for the people we were, in our case, was simply not fair to ask from anyone. At the time, I, in my blind idealism, refused to accept that. After all, I saw(and still do see) much worth in Kao...much that can be loved. However, I've now got to admit that he's much more perceptive and aware of his flaws and mine than I gave him credit for. That alone makes him a much better man than I(though that's not the only quality which makes him a far better man than I). Kao has always said he'd probabl bring more sorrow than joy to a person who loved him. I never accepted that, but I do see now that I was far to blind to realise that truth about myself, that I'd bring more pain and hurt to those I care about that I would joy. It would seem that, to be very blunt, I'm just a crappy person and to expect someone to love me for who I have isn't fair to that person. Try as I might, it would seem that my efforts to better myself have come to naught as well. I will note, with a certain irony, that I was drawn to the Almighty for that reason, that he supposedly accepted all for the people they were, but at the same time encourages them to better themsleves.
A movie, Kinsey, has reminded me that, to do what I love, I've got to fight for it. I thought my fight would be over once I entered the university. It looks like my fight has only just begun. To study my beloved plants and animals, to explore this world...the ability to do those things isn't just going to be handed to me; I'm going to have to fight for it...grasp at every chance I get. This heart, this very spirit has grown weak...lost it fire.
I'm going to fight for all the things I hold dear...before I lose them all. And damn my pride and idealism, if I need W's help to do it, so be it. Light and darkness, one can't exist without the other. Then again, I do wonder if I'm light in the first place, or just a different kind of darkness. Well W, I finally admit it. I need you. Let's do it.
In other news, I've decided to boycott the unofficial Singapore Star Trek Fan club forums. I'll still cary out my duties as a Tournament Director and continue to promote the Star Trek CCG on their message boards; the game shouldn't suffer for this, especially since the ones who are actually seriously playing aren't at fault. However, certain people on those boards, one of them being a founding member I believe, have seen it fit to condemn me on the boards. Not just my opinions, but the use of language specifically condemns me. Then again, his english does suck. Heh. But to add further insult to injury, I've been awarded a warning from the forum admin for my post defending myself. I know I've a tendency to go overboard, but that post certainly didn't. However, it would seem that a rational defence is no match for politics. My mail to the admin asking for an explaination as to why exactly my post deserved a warning has gone unanswered. No surprise there. I've decided to turn the offenders over to W to deal with. As for the forums, it would seem that the aren't open minded enough to accept my ideas...basically thoughts and opinions which differ from their's. How ironic, it being a Star Trek forum. So much for the betterment of humanity.
School is presenting much of a worry too. No...worry is the wrong word...concern suits it more. What can I say? I've had this naive perception of what I thought a university education would be like and believe it or not, its taken three whole sems to actually break through and shatter that. To top it all off, its making me very much apathic too. Thank goodness I still care about that. It would seem that I've to got revert back to my attitude from as far back as secondary school. That school is not, no matter how I wish it, going to give me a decent education. All it'll give me is a piece of paper, which is a testament to how compliant I am, how well I deal with politics within the system, how well I suck up and how wonderful my memory is. Once again it is going to take up my time, wasting it mostly, and stand in the way of me persuing my interests. A grade here is no more representative of my understanding and ability to apply a subject/concept than it was back in secondary school. I have respected few teachers during the years I spent back at secondary school and JC. My mistake here was to give my respect too freely, only to realise it was misplaced. While a prof might be a great researcher in his or her field of study, it in no way makes him/her a decent teacher. I have to acknowledge that I have a great resentment at being forced to take up subjects I have utterly no interest in. Sadly, it is not in my nature to learn to love something just because I might as well like what i'm doing. So far...electives aside, I have only taken two modules that I've got any interest in...in four sems no less. To persue my interests, it looks like I'll have to return to doing my own reading, in my own time, just as I was doing before I entered the university.
At the end of the story, these concerns are but my own. I think I see why Kao keeps silent most of the time. I've also come to realise why he came to the conclusion that desiring to be loved for the people we were, in our case, was simply not fair to ask from anyone. At the time, I, in my blind idealism, refused to accept that. After all, I saw(and still do see) much worth in Kao...much that can be loved. However, I've now got to admit that he's much more perceptive and aware of his flaws and mine than I gave him credit for. That alone makes him a much better man than I(though that's not the only quality which makes him a far better man than I). Kao has always said he'd probabl bring more sorrow than joy to a person who loved him. I never accepted that, but I do see now that I was far to blind to realise that truth about myself, that I'd bring more pain and hurt to those I care about that I would joy. It would seem that, to be very blunt, I'm just a crappy person and to expect someone to love me for who I have isn't fair to that person. Try as I might, it would seem that my efforts to better myself have come to naught as well. I will note, with a certain irony, that I was drawn to the Almighty for that reason, that he supposedly accepted all for the people they were, but at the same time encourages them to better themsleves.
A movie, Kinsey, has reminded me that, to do what I love, I've got to fight for it. I thought my fight would be over once I entered the university. It looks like my fight has only just begun. To study my beloved plants and animals, to explore this world...the ability to do those things isn't just going to be handed to me; I'm going to have to fight for it...grasp at every chance I get. This heart, this very spirit has grown weak...lost it fire.
I'm going to fight for all the things I hold dear...before I lose them all. And damn my pride and idealism, if I need W's help to do it, so be it. Light and darkness, one can't exist without the other. Then again, I do wonder if I'm light in the first place, or just a different kind of darkness. Well W, I finally admit it. I need you. Let's do it.
