The first time I was alone, I found the outcasts. Then I wasn't.
The second time I was alone, I was found by the demons, who made my life hell. My few allies weren't enough and I sought God. I thought I found him and so I didn;t feel alone.
Then I found friends, few they were, but at least they WERE.
Now I'm fairly sure that W triggers when I'm feeling alone, which has been happening more than ever these days.
I doubt God was ever with me and it was all a delusion. It kept me sane perhaps, but it was a delusion. A loving, merciful God would never have pushed me this far. I really can't take it anymore. I'm done trusting simply because I just don't have the will anymore. I'm just tired.
I also sense a rift forming between me and Kao, which I guess isn't too surprising. Why? I'm not too sure, but then again, when have people needed a reason to get sick of me? It was a pretty good indication when he just couldn't be bothered to get out of bed to come out for lunch on sunday...and the sunday after that...and the next one too...and so on. So be it then. If you are reading this blog, then you'll know me well enough to know that I'm not the sort of person who will run after someone who walks away from me or who has any inclination to stop them from leaving, no matter how much I may want them to stay. I've only done it once ever in my life, upon advice...and well, a fat lot of good that was anyway. You either choose to stay with me...or well, that's your choice. Also, he ought to know by now too, that given my independent nature, I will refuse with a vengence to let someone else make my decisions for me without my consent. I will decide for myself whether something is good for me or not or whether I should do something or not, etc. This issue I also have with my parents, come to think of it. Perhaps this is just like my friendship with Joel: its reached the limit of what it could be and that's it. Who knows.
I am far, far too tired to keep on going like this. The irony is that it really doesn't take much to keep W in check. I have to be thankful for the few people over at NIE who have, at one time or another, helped me keep W in check by just simply responding to me...by actually talking back. Things would be much worse without those small brief moments of reprieve.
I should make a note of thanks here to Snoc, who saw my previous post and sent her condolences. Thanks, it really means a lot to me. I have been meaning to call, but trust me, I've been overworked, tired and overly cranky, so...not the best of phone company, I can assure you.
I do now understand how wonderful it is to actually meet someone who has practically the same take on life as you do. Sure, I don't think the future holds anything for me and her, but the fact that I'm even on speaking terms with her is nothing short of a miracle, heh. It is really nice ot know that there's someone else out there who isn't a workaholic, who's doing a job for the cash, who just wants to slack off too, etc. It may sound mushy, but it isn't meant to be, but when I'm with her, I can laugh, I can relax and I can just be myself without any condemnation...and most of all, I can speak my true feelings and have, for perhaps the first time in my life, have someone actually know what I mean AND agree with everything. As much as I like difference because it keeps things interesting, this experience ain't bad either, at least in the short term.
I'm glad too for my Pen Pal in the Philippines, another one who has beaten the odds. Seriously, how long can you keep emails going with someone you've never met in person? I met her online in the early days of NS and to this day we actually still write to each other. Its been what, 6+ years? To find someone like that is rare enough, but when the emails get so long it takes hours to reply them, to find someone who will still actually do that, considering the circumstances...now that's something else.
I gotta say, at least in recent days, its been these 3 ladies who have kept me sane. Thanks :)
The second time I was alone, I was found by the demons, who made my life hell. My few allies weren't enough and I sought God. I thought I found him and so I didn;t feel alone.
Then I found friends, few they were, but at least they WERE.
Now I'm fairly sure that W triggers when I'm feeling alone, which has been happening more than ever these days.
I doubt God was ever with me and it was all a delusion. It kept me sane perhaps, but it was a delusion. A loving, merciful God would never have pushed me this far. I really can't take it anymore. I'm done trusting simply because I just don't have the will anymore. I'm just tired.
I also sense a rift forming between me and Kao, which I guess isn't too surprising. Why? I'm not too sure, but then again, when have people needed a reason to get sick of me? It was a pretty good indication when he just couldn't be bothered to get out of bed to come out for lunch on sunday...and the sunday after that...and the next one too...and so on. So be it then. If you are reading this blog, then you'll know me well enough to know that I'm not the sort of person who will run after someone who walks away from me or who has any inclination to stop them from leaving, no matter how much I may want them to stay. I've only done it once ever in my life, upon advice...and well, a fat lot of good that was anyway. You either choose to stay with me...or well, that's your choice. Also, he ought to know by now too, that given my independent nature, I will refuse with a vengence to let someone else make my decisions for me without my consent. I will decide for myself whether something is good for me or not or whether I should do something or not, etc. This issue I also have with my parents, come to think of it. Perhaps this is just like my friendship with Joel: its reached the limit of what it could be and that's it. Who knows.
I am far, far too tired to keep on going like this. The irony is that it really doesn't take much to keep W in check. I have to be thankful for the few people over at NIE who have, at one time or another, helped me keep W in check by just simply responding to me...by actually talking back. Things would be much worse without those small brief moments of reprieve.
I should make a note of thanks here to Snoc, who saw my previous post and sent her condolences. Thanks, it really means a lot to me. I have been meaning to call, but trust me, I've been overworked, tired and overly cranky, so...not the best of phone company, I can assure you.
I do now understand how wonderful it is to actually meet someone who has practically the same take on life as you do. Sure, I don't think the future holds anything for me and her, but the fact that I'm even on speaking terms with her is nothing short of a miracle, heh. It is really nice ot know that there's someone else out there who isn't a workaholic, who's doing a job for the cash, who just wants to slack off too, etc. It may sound mushy, but it isn't meant to be, but when I'm with her, I can laugh, I can relax and I can just be myself without any condemnation...and most of all, I can speak my true feelings and have, for perhaps the first time in my life, have someone actually know what I mean AND agree with everything. As much as I like difference because it keeps things interesting, this experience ain't bad either, at least in the short term.
I'm glad too for my Pen Pal in the Philippines, another one who has beaten the odds. Seriously, how long can you keep emails going with someone you've never met in person? I met her online in the early days of NS and to this day we actually still write to each other. Its been what, 6+ years? To find someone like that is rare enough, but when the emails get so long it takes hours to reply them, to find someone who will still actually do that, considering the circumstances...now that's something else.
I gotta say, at least in recent days, its been these 3 ladies who have kept me sane. Thanks :)
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