I have never been fragged so completely...and it hurts more than anything I've ever felt before. I guess it shows how utterly imperfect my defences are.
The first assault I could handle, but it really was bad enough. Now, with practically no recovery time at all, I've had to handle the second...no surprise my defences got broken. God or Devil...or just some really, really screwed up coincidence...but it seriously couldn't have been planned better. A first hit to throw me for a loop...to question my faith...or a question of my lack of faith...to prove things are possible...just not for me...or maybe?
The follow up...to let me taste happiness...have never had such a dream before. My dreams are usually dark...me running...or searching...or fighting...dying, but never dead...horrors...or the forbidden fruit that strangely, I never choose to taste, even in my dreams. W has broken me out a number of times...or I've woken up just while I'm dying in the dream...or when the dream sours. I've never mentioned it before, but even dreams of people I care about...even...dare I say it...love...they're never happy ones, at least as far as I'm concerned. The darkness of betrayal...which...usually becomes real. Yes, I can control the dream if I realise its a dream...but those don't count.
2 days ago, for the first time in my life, as far as I can remember, I had a happy dream. It was the most wonderful dream I've ever had, a dream of hope, happiness, love. To one such as I, who knows the darkness and the light, but who endures the pain of a meaningless and lonely existance...I don't remember ever being so happy in my life...all just in a dream. To one condemned to the darkness...the promise of light...and the extreme joy and sadness when I woke. The bittersweet taste of hope and loss...and the bliss of a joy I've never felt before...ever.
Today...a rude reminder of reality...that ultimately, I'm just an invisible, repulsive creature...lukewarm...not nice enough to want, yet not distasteful enough to be rid of. A reminder of how things haven't changed and how I'll always be an outsider looking it...and how it'll take a miracle for me not to end up alone. A realisation that even someone single and desperate...and not good looking either...such a person wouldn't even consider me a potential mate.
A more masterful deathblow couldn't have been orchestrated. I have discovered that this still wasn't enough to make me shed tears...perhaps I really have lost that ability...to cry, at least from emotional pain. Still...for a while, it made me wish I didn't exist. For all that I've been through...I've never been turned against myself so completely.
I feel way to self-distructive right now...but I can't kill myself to end it...and that wouldn't end it either. If the Legacy is the ship of the lost...then I truely deserve to be her captain.
The first assault I could handle, but it really was bad enough. Now, with practically no recovery time at all, I've had to handle the second...no surprise my defences got broken. God or Devil...or just some really, really screwed up coincidence...but it seriously couldn't have been planned better. A first hit to throw me for a loop...to question my faith...or a question of my lack of faith...to prove things are possible...just not for me...or maybe?
The follow up...to let me taste happiness...have never had such a dream before. My dreams are usually dark...me running...or searching...or fighting...dying, but never dead...horrors...or the forbidden fruit that strangely, I never choose to taste, even in my dreams. W has broken me out a number of times...or I've woken up just while I'm dying in the dream...or when the dream sours. I've never mentioned it before, but even dreams of people I care about...even...dare I say it...love...they're never happy ones, at least as far as I'm concerned. The darkness of betrayal...which...usually becomes real. Yes, I can control the dream if I realise its a dream...but those don't count.
2 days ago, for the first time in my life, as far as I can remember, I had a happy dream. It was the most wonderful dream I've ever had, a dream of hope, happiness, love. To one such as I, who knows the darkness and the light, but who endures the pain of a meaningless and lonely existance...I don't remember ever being so happy in my life...all just in a dream. To one condemned to the darkness...the promise of light...and the extreme joy and sadness when I woke. The bittersweet taste of hope and loss...and the bliss of a joy I've never felt before...ever.
Today...a rude reminder of reality...that ultimately, I'm just an invisible, repulsive creature...lukewarm...not nice enough to want, yet not distasteful enough to be rid of. A reminder of how things haven't changed and how I'll always be an outsider looking it...and how it'll take a miracle for me not to end up alone. A realisation that even someone single and desperate...and not good looking either...such a person wouldn't even consider me a potential mate.
A more masterful deathblow couldn't have been orchestrated. I have discovered that this still wasn't enough to make me shed tears...perhaps I really have lost that ability...to cry, at least from emotional pain. Still...for a while, it made me wish I didn't exist. For all that I've been through...I've never been turned against myself so completely.
I feel way to self-distructive right now...but I can't kill myself to end it...and that wouldn't end it either. If the Legacy is the ship of the lost...then I truely deserve to be her captain.
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