I guess I'll have to conceed it. But short of taking my own life or having someone else take it...I'll have to live in this world without love. Since God isn't speaking to me either, that just leaves one thing...Revenge. Its interesting though, because I can easily abandon any thought of revenge if I can get my future restored...which is probably why all efforts to that end have been futile. I won't go as far as to say that God(if he exists) is intentionally doing this, but I don't think I can believe he's on my side any more.
I've also come to realise that very frankly...Christians need God to be their purpose in life and without that, it leaves their lives empty. That's what they've been taught and essentially brainwashed into believing. It is this which breaks a Christian when they stop believing. I should find other things to live my life for.
That said, if a broken bone isn't set properly, it won't heal right. That happened in the past. The plan was for W to help me find someone to help me set it properly, but that didn't happen and it has long since healed into a flawed limb. That leaves me with two choices, doesn't it? To live with the handicap...or to correct it.
Since the damage was done to the core of my personality and it has long since 'healed' into this...looks like the only way to correct it would be to get W to break me...and reset as much as possible. I don't think there's any other way. As I am, to think that someone can love me for me is just naive. I can't just use founder to get around that like I can with most social interactions, because I'll be feeling lousy inside. So changes have to be made to the core. If I can correct my mindset, I'm relatively sure I'm a skilled enough manipulator to reach my goal, once I lose the restraints that prevent me from doing so.
I've also come to realise that to take one's life requires enough bravery and self-esteem to take your own life in your own hands and end it. Even in utter desperation and in the pits of dispair...you still need to have enough will to do it...and that will comes from your own self-esteem and self-image. Bah. I'm sure I have enough of that, except that I'm not the sort to just lie down and die. I'd sooner take a million lives than give up my own. Kao on the other hand, would rather take his own life than to hurt someone else...but he doesn't have enough self-esteem to fuel his will and take his life even though he might want to.
Oh well. I won't be the same when this ends. To be self-aware is a curse. Since I can't bring myself to purge that...then I will give up on happiness. I'll settle for peace and contentment. *sigh* can't believe I'm conceeding this, but reality has to kick in sometime.
I've also come to realise that very frankly...Christians need God to be their purpose in life and without that, it leaves their lives empty. That's what they've been taught and essentially brainwashed into believing. It is this which breaks a Christian when they stop believing. I should find other things to live my life for.
That said, if a broken bone isn't set properly, it won't heal right. That happened in the past. The plan was for W to help me find someone to help me set it properly, but that didn't happen and it has long since healed into a flawed limb. That leaves me with two choices, doesn't it? To live with the handicap...or to correct it.
Since the damage was done to the core of my personality and it has long since 'healed' into this...looks like the only way to correct it would be to get W to break me...and reset as much as possible. I don't think there's any other way. As I am, to think that someone can love me for me is just naive. I can't just use founder to get around that like I can with most social interactions, because I'll be feeling lousy inside. So changes have to be made to the core. If I can correct my mindset, I'm relatively sure I'm a skilled enough manipulator to reach my goal, once I lose the restraints that prevent me from doing so.
I've also come to realise that to take one's life requires enough bravery and self-esteem to take your own life in your own hands and end it. Even in utter desperation and in the pits of dispair...you still need to have enough will to do it...and that will comes from your own self-esteem and self-image. Bah. I'm sure I have enough of that, except that I'm not the sort to just lie down and die. I'd sooner take a million lives than give up my own. Kao on the other hand, would rather take his own life than to hurt someone else...but he doesn't have enough self-esteem to fuel his will and take his life even though he might want to.
Oh well. I won't be the same when this ends. To be self-aware is a curse. Since I can't bring myself to purge that...then I will give up on happiness. I'll settle for peace and contentment. *sigh* can't believe I'm conceeding this, but reality has to kick in sometime.
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