Just random stuff...
There's been a lot on my mind lately and well...when the thoughts just fly by so quickly, words just pale in comparison...
I'm not even sure I should be making this post...on one hand, I want to...and on the other...I don't. Heh...silly me.
Anyway...first off, I proclaim W to be a failure. Not an utter failure, but a failure still. Because the one thing I created him for...he, till now, still can't do. Sad ain't it? He can defend me against so much, help me through so much...I wouldn't have come as far today as I have without his strength and abilities. Yet...the one purpose I created him for...is something he can't do, at least without totally destroying/rewriting my core. Ironic, isn't it? But I guess he's both...a success and failure.
That's what makes me an idealist...or at least, half of one. Emotion. To live without it just feels plain wrong. To live with it...considering who I am and how the world reacts to me...means pain, lots of it. Its not that I've never been happy, I have. Not just content, but actually, truely happy. Of course, being the idiot that I am...well, I destroyed that happiness with my own hands, didn't I? Actions and reactions caused by insecurity of all things...ironic isn't it? To have happiness destroyed because of an emotion. Its almost like some strange morality play...
Instinct...intuition...I guess that's just too much a part of my own nature for me to deny. I count a good number of my good decisions, lucky escapes and successes to mere intuition. Like in a recent bridge game...to call something as silly as the 5 of diamonds as my partner...and to know exactly who it was and more or less what he had in hand...all down to intuition. To know when to do something and what to choose...I'd say that intuition is probably also the reason I've been able to slip through exams and make it this far, all things considered. While I do thank God that my intuition is fairly sharp and accurate, there are times when, because of the result of feelings or silly actions caused by those instincts, I wish it weren't so. Like me typing out this blog entry. Or me poking my nose into things which aren't my business. Not that I don't wish it was my business, at least in this one case. I guess the implication is rather obvious, isn't it? Heh.
I guess what Keirsey said about Idealists holds very true about me, especially where people are concerned. Perhaps that another reason why betrayal is something I'm so sensitive about. I know for a fact that I won't see it coming...I can't trust myself to make sound objective judgements about those close to me...or those I love. I guess that's why I don't trust people easily...and perhaps why I also give up on friendships easily too. Paranoia and insecurity. Potent combination. Or perhaps two names for the same thing. To let someone get close to me is to give up the ability to read them...in a sense...to trust them that much. To love someone...well. That's why it was so important for this heart to remain closed. W...
Yet...I can be so optimistic about certain things that it makes me sick. Because the world, the universe can end...but hope cannot be destroyed. Hope...there are so many tales about it. Its what keeps idealists going. I know the first time I took the keirsey test, I came out an ENFP...and sometime later, when I took the test again...a more detailed one with a score breakdown...I had become an XNXP. So perhaps I was an idealist at the start...but seeing my own flaws, decided to take steps to correct those...but in actual fact...in doing so...I wasn't being me...the real me...and thus denying myself one of an idealist's source of strength. Screwed up, isn't it?
Come to think of it...with this entry being so negative...its not going to endear me to anyone, is it? GAH. All humans are imperfect beings...but to endear ourselves to others, we all have to wear our masks and show only our good sides. Yet here I am, posting up all of this nonsense. And knowing full well...I'm still going to post this up. To still see the good in spite of the bad...only someone special will be able to do that. At least that's what I believe.
Mistakes...I guess I do have regrets after all...for forcing a conclusion when I shouldn't have...and not fighting to hold on to happiness when I ought to...but experiences to change people...and likewise, I'm not the same person today as I was back then. To admit all that I have up here...perhaps I'm not as insecure anymore. Now that that's being worked on though...I wonder if I'll still have another chance at happiness?
W: Face reality.
Rational me: Race reality.
Idealist me: Hope. Hah! I win!
There's been a lot on my mind lately and well...when the thoughts just fly by so quickly, words just pale in comparison...
I'm not even sure I should be making this post...on one hand, I want to...and on the other...I don't. Heh...silly me.
Anyway...first off, I proclaim W to be a failure. Not an utter failure, but a failure still. Because the one thing I created him for...he, till now, still can't do. Sad ain't it? He can defend me against so much, help me through so much...I wouldn't have come as far today as I have without his strength and abilities. Yet...the one purpose I created him for...is something he can't do, at least without totally destroying/rewriting my core. Ironic, isn't it? But I guess he's both...a success and failure.
That's what makes me an idealist...or at least, half of one. Emotion. To live without it just feels plain wrong. To live with it...considering who I am and how the world reacts to me...means pain, lots of it. Its not that I've never been happy, I have. Not just content, but actually, truely happy. Of course, being the idiot that I am...well, I destroyed that happiness with my own hands, didn't I? Actions and reactions caused by insecurity of all things...ironic isn't it? To have happiness destroyed because of an emotion. Its almost like some strange morality play...
Instinct...intuition...I guess that's just too much a part of my own nature for me to deny. I count a good number of my good decisions, lucky escapes and successes to mere intuition. Like in a recent bridge game...to call something as silly as the 5 of diamonds as my partner...and to know exactly who it was and more or less what he had in hand...all down to intuition. To know when to do something and what to choose...I'd say that intuition is probably also the reason I've been able to slip through exams and make it this far, all things considered. While I do thank God that my intuition is fairly sharp and accurate, there are times when, because of the result of feelings or silly actions caused by those instincts, I wish it weren't so. Like me typing out this blog entry. Or me poking my nose into things which aren't my business. Not that I don't wish it was my business, at least in this one case. I guess the implication is rather obvious, isn't it? Heh.
I guess what Keirsey said about Idealists holds very true about me, especially where people are concerned. Perhaps that another reason why betrayal is something I'm so sensitive about. I know for a fact that I won't see it coming...I can't trust myself to make sound objective judgements about those close to me...or those I love. I guess that's why I don't trust people easily...and perhaps why I also give up on friendships easily too. Paranoia and insecurity. Potent combination. Or perhaps two names for the same thing. To let someone get close to me is to give up the ability to read them...in a sense...to trust them that much. To love someone...well. That's why it was so important for this heart to remain closed. W...
Yet...I can be so optimistic about certain things that it makes me sick. Because the world, the universe can end...but hope cannot be destroyed. Hope...there are so many tales about it. Its what keeps idealists going. I know the first time I took the keirsey test, I came out an ENFP...and sometime later, when I took the test again...a more detailed one with a score breakdown...I had become an XNXP. So perhaps I was an idealist at the start...but seeing my own flaws, decided to take steps to correct those...but in actual fact...in doing so...I wasn't being me...the real me...and thus denying myself one of an idealist's source of strength. Screwed up, isn't it?
Come to think of it...with this entry being so negative...its not going to endear me to anyone, is it? GAH. All humans are imperfect beings...but to endear ourselves to others, we all have to wear our masks and show only our good sides. Yet here I am, posting up all of this nonsense. And knowing full well...I'm still going to post this up. To still see the good in spite of the bad...only someone special will be able to do that. At least that's what I believe.
Mistakes...I guess I do have regrets after all...for forcing a conclusion when I shouldn't have...and not fighting to hold on to happiness when I ought to...but experiences to change people...and likewise, I'm not the same person today as I was back then. To admit all that I have up here...perhaps I'm not as insecure anymore. Now that that's being worked on though...I wonder if I'll still have another chance at happiness?
W: Face reality.
Rational me: Race reality.
Idealist me: Hope. Hah! I win!
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