Its been an interesting and peaceful time these last couple of weeks...very much like the last couple of weeks of National Service and that short period before I entered the University. What's interesting about it is seeing just how much the people whom I think are in my life are just...well...not. I've gotten tired of things like unanswered sms' and the feeling that people don't really want me around. So let's see...who have I actually been in contact with recently? I'm of course not talking about "hi-bye" kind of situations. Hmmm...let's see...there's Kao...and...yeah...Kao. Aloy too, come to thing of it. Everyone else seems to have faded away. There's schnoc too, but...well, I rather thing she's had quite enough of putting up with my company, heh. This time I don't think I'm wrong about that too. All things considered, I think things have turned out much worse than W predicted they'd be, at least concerning my social circle. Still...I think I'm finally getting used to being alone; I feel much less lonely now than I did during the previous couple of similar weeks. Perhaps the sense of loss isn't there because you can't really lose what you didn't have in the first place. I didn't know it the first time round, but I do now.

W's purpose has changed too...while Command 001 is still present, its a simple matter of time...and what is time to a wolf? If I get the chance, I'll take it. If not...well...heh...then hopefully I'll have found some happiness in life. No matter how much I'd like to deny it, I guess they're right about Idealists and their search for love and a soulmate. Its so much easier to satisfy the rational side of me, books, trips, etc. Lockdown and Founder...I think these two abilities have become very much a part of my everyday life. Ironic...

I also don't think I'll ever understand Guardians' obsession with what they view as productivity. I don't think any other personality type has anything near it. The Artisans don't for sure and neither do true idealists and true rationals. I use the term true because I've know a number of people in the past who did the test and came out as idealists or rationals, but who are really guardians. Perhaps its because our culture seems to praise the concept of these two personality types and well, thus the guardians try to become them. Or maybe its hormones and the lack of the true understanding of the realities of life. Once the harsh realities of the working world set in, these guardians usually show their true colours. Either way, I've got nothing against a person being a guardian. The kindest and nicest(also most utterly naive) person I've evet met is a guardian. Sure, the afore mentioned realities of life dealt her a real beating, but hey, that's why they're called harsh. As I said though, I just can't get their obsession with their idea of productivity. The feeling guardians aren't so bad, but the thinking guardians in general are just sickening. Is it so wrong to just chill out? Is being active on a forum just a waste of time? You'd think me tending to my plants was a crime. Sheesh. Its the same token really...just like me reading about nature was 'unproductive' back then, so is tending to my plants now. Just because I'm not making money? Good grief...is something only productive when money or useful knowledge is involved?

Okay, i'm just ranting now. I'll stop here. I'm just...so utterly sick of all the condemnation. Some of it from sources unexpectedly close to me. I'll just say this...whatever my talents now, my passions and abilities...I'm the one who cultivated them, let them grow and bear fruit, all in spite of the persecution and condemnation. Sure, I have my weaknesses, who doesn't? But if anything I'm just glad I have a mind of my own. I'm glad I know what I want and do what I want to. I'm glad I know what I like doing. I'm glad that my parents don't decide my goals and my wants in life. All things considered...even if I could, I don't think I'd change how I've turned out, at least with respect to all that.