Lots of things have been on my mind lately...almost none of which are outrightly positive, heh. Mostly just a collection of random thoughts.
University has taken its toll on my ideals of love and friendship. Well, not so much love, because I think that even now, I'm still as idealistic about that as ever. Friendship on the other hand...heh. Seriously though...how many of my friends actually contact me, just to maybe catch up or even just say 'hi'? I guess most of them are just too busy or what not...responding only when I go contacting them, heh...I don't know...it all just seems a little too...one sided. Plus, I'm beginning to think that most people just tolerate me. Including some I consider friends. Which is obviously not good. These days, I've come to the conclusion that I'm better off just wearing a mask and keeping my own thoughts and opinions to myself because the real me is just...well...I don't know...irritating/annoying/whatever. Therefore, why cause people unwanted annoyance? I should just keep out of their hair and well...stick around people who actually want me around. Heck, I'm at the stage where I'm wondering who actually wants me around.
I should let W handle my life completely. Really. I'm not wanted or needed here. Besides, considering the lonely nature of my life, he'd be far more suited for it.
What? I do have feelings. As much as I wish I had ice in my veins and a heart of cold stone, I don't. I wish I did, then it wouldn't hurt dammit. I have to be strong. Why? Because my experiences have taught me that everytime trouble comes, I've got to face it...alone. Not by choice, but simply because of a lack of people who will actually stand by me. Heck, how do you think W came to be? If I had allies back then, I wouldn't have needed him, now would I? The fact that I still need him now is a testament of something too. Though perhaps I'm not as alone today as I was back then.
Even Joel was shocked by how far I'm gone the last time I met up with him. Considering he knew me from back in primary school, it says a lot. Because till now, he's never had any doubts about my character(being lazy is not a major character flaw to him).
I know exactly what I'm turning into and frankly, I'm not that motivated to stop it.
Its a really angsty post, isn't it?
And no, I haven't forgotten. I'm not sure how long I'm gonna last, but before I go, there's a pack of demons(way too good a term for them though) I WILL destroy. If possible, I'll take their souls(whatever's left of them) to hell with me, where they belong. But only after they go through a living hell.
What? There is only one thing that can counter my drive to do that and well, that's never going to be.
And you know what? I conceed battles, but I never give up the war.
Its just too bad I can't go to some land far, far away and just tend to my plants and lead a peaceful life or something.
Argh, that's enough of that.
University has taken its toll on my ideals of love and friendship. Well, not so much love, because I think that even now, I'm still as idealistic about that as ever. Friendship on the other hand...heh. Seriously though...how many of my friends actually contact me, just to maybe catch up or even just say 'hi'? I guess most of them are just too busy or what not...responding only when I go contacting them, heh...I don't know...it all just seems a little too...one sided. Plus, I'm beginning to think that most people just tolerate me. Including some I consider friends. Which is obviously not good. These days, I've come to the conclusion that I'm better off just wearing a mask and keeping my own thoughts and opinions to myself because the real me is just...well...I don't know...irritating/annoying/whatever. Therefore, why cause people unwanted annoyance? I should just keep out of their hair and well...stick around people who actually want me around. Heck, I'm at the stage where I'm wondering who actually wants me around.
I should let W handle my life completely. Really. I'm not wanted or needed here. Besides, considering the lonely nature of my life, he'd be far more suited for it.
What? I do have feelings. As much as I wish I had ice in my veins and a heart of cold stone, I don't. I wish I did, then it wouldn't hurt dammit. I have to be strong. Why? Because my experiences have taught me that everytime trouble comes, I've got to face it...alone. Not by choice, but simply because of a lack of people who will actually stand by me. Heck, how do you think W came to be? If I had allies back then, I wouldn't have needed him, now would I? The fact that I still need him now is a testament of something too. Though perhaps I'm not as alone today as I was back then.
Even Joel was shocked by how far I'm gone the last time I met up with him. Considering he knew me from back in primary school, it says a lot. Because till now, he's never had any doubts about my character(being lazy is not a major character flaw to him).
I know exactly what I'm turning into and frankly, I'm not that motivated to stop it.
Its a really angsty post, isn't it?
And no, I haven't forgotten. I'm not sure how long I'm gonna last, but before I go, there's a pack of demons(way too good a term for them though) I WILL destroy. If possible, I'll take their souls(whatever's left of them) to hell with me, where they belong. But only after they go through a living hell.
What? There is only one thing that can counter my drive to do that and well, that's never going to be.
And you know what? I conceed battles, but I never give up the war.
Its just too bad I can't go to some land far, far away and just tend to my plants and lead a peaceful life or something.
Argh, that's enough of that.
5 Comments:
At 1:51 PM,
K.S. Chong said…
That's it. You and me. Let's go catch a movie after my exams. My Navia set is still taped up anyway.
At 3:43 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hey, it's good to see that you've got tufts of positivity left, in spite of the lousy hand life has dealt you (judging from what you've told me). I suppose you really can't pick your cards, huh. But you can decide how to play 'em...
I think everyone has a 'W' inside them...the little voice that's anti-establishment, the disillusioned, disaffected region in our brains that emits pessimistic, cynical spurts that tint our perceptions of the world that one shade darker. Sometimes things get so tough that we get sorely tempted to give up, to give in to our 'inner Ws', but the fact that you're still idealistic--about love, anyway--perhaps is enough motivation to fight on, work around the limitations life/you yourself have created.
There's always room for improvement, okay? *hugs* And I'll be here for you, though I know I can be supremely impatient at times (ok~ most of the time :P), and am usually quite caught up with work... I hope it hasn't come across as me just tolerating you being around...if it has, I'm really sorry~
On a practical note (heads up! insider's tip!), a lot of girls find confidence very attractive. You've got to learn to have faith in yourself more (yes I should take my own advice), refrain from voicing thoughts that show that you are resigned to a certain fate. And no, not just jerks are capable of achieving confidence (or the illusion of it). Gambatte!
Finally, you may find that that the best form of revenge is to forgive. Maybe whoever your aggressors were, they've grown up, come to realise they were wrong, or perhaps even live with the paranoia that you'll seek vengence someday. You'll earn yourself a lot of respect if you choose not to get them back.
At 12:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
Ack, that should be 'vengeance'.
And it should be concede. Just FYI.
At 10:14 PM,
Petey said…
Heh. I still have you linked from my blog, so yeah... consider that my sad attempt at maintaining our friendship. Seriously, though... I am sorry for not checking in with you more often. Considering you were always there for me, it's absolutely selfish on my part to forget that.
Well, as KS says... movie and Navia after exams, yeah?
At 1:00 PM,
Blue_belle said…
Hey err stupid question but... is that you W3??? This is Mel from ACJC, your bridge protege =P Found your blog from Pete's. Haven't seen you for ages. Sent you a message at Christmas but didn't hear from you... anyway yeah, it'd be nice to catch up if you can ;) Let me know, my contact details are still the same.
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