Today was a great day. Kinda. Well...why? I guess only 1 person knows the answer to that...because that's the one I spent the day with. Your company always makes my day :D

Anyway, had the chance to watch "Good Will Hunting" today. Its a surprisingly good movie. Fairly thought provoking, though in my case it just reminds me of thoughts I've had in the past. I've got a lot to say about it actually, from issues like pressure to put talent to 'good use', to closing off yourself from people, to how darn lucky the main character in the movie is. There's more than just these 3 issues, but I'll only just say a few words on these, at least while I still have the urge to actually make a blog entry.

I'll start with luck, since its going to be the most straightforward. Basically, the main character, Will, is just one very lucky guy. He was born a genius, he managed to find buddies who would hang with him, relatively close friends he could depend on, he found someone who loved him, whom he could love, he was 'discovered' by someone with enough clout to try and help him, he actually met someone who could connect with him, possibly even understand him, etc, etc. Yes, I could go on. Basically, my main point is that he's lucky. Period. He got it all thrown into his lap. He needed help and wow, he got it. Yay. Not everyone is as lucky. Its all about circumstance and situation. Because if a person had to choose between being good looking, being smart or being lucky, we ALL know that being lucky is the best choice by far. The bottom line of it is this: the one single constant factor between any success, be it a financial, scientific, political, domestic(for those who just want a happy family), etc...that one single constant factor is luck. Remove luck from the picture and no amount of smarts, good looks, hard work, you name it, just remove luck and that success is doomed to failure. So much for life being what you make of it.

On being guarded and not letting people through your shields, keeping that emotional distance from people...well. In the movie, Will would 'reject people before they could reject him'. He even dumped the girl who loved him because he was sure she'd reject him if she got to know the real him. Well, he was lucky because she really loved him. Still, while that girl seems to be the one getting the lion's share of sympathy and what not, I'm taking Will's side because I find his conduct blameless. If all a person has ever known is rejection, can you blame him for not wanting to take any more of it? Why bother forming those fragile emotional bonds with a person, why bother to develop feelings of care or love...if its all going to be shattered anyway? Obviously, if you're not getting what I'm saying, you haven't been rejected enough. I'm not talking about rejection in the BGR sense. DUH. I'm talking about family, 'friends', etc. I actually see the wisdom in what Will did, obviously because rejection and me have had a very long relationship together. Over the years I've gotten to know lots of people and frankly, its safer for me to just not invest any emotions in almost all of those relationships because I've found rejection in so many of them. While some would say the best way to ruin a friendship is to treat the friend the way he or she treats you(tit-for-tat), I believe that it takes 2 hands to clap. If I find that the other person isn't bothered in maintaining the relationship, I'm going to give up eventually. Sure, I'm going to try and preserve things as long as possible, but there comes a point when I'm just too tried and that's that. Guess what I've found? The other person usually seems rather happy that I'm gone from their life! I almost never see that person even bother to try to contact me once I've given up...further proving that I was right to give up. Yay for rejection. Be it love or friendship, I tend to adopt this same attitude...maybe I'm wrong, but if the other person sees no reason to fight alongside me to maintain the relationship then...what the hell am I fighting for? With odds like that, who'd be crazy enough to take a gamble? Better not to suffer all that pain and just raise those shields and stay safe. Most people don't suffer this kind of rejection, at least not this much. Especially all the "I'd rather take a chance and risk the hurt" people. These obviously don't know what this kind of thing feels like. Yes I was one of those idiots. Ideals an all. But hey, eventually those hard knocks will get through to the most thick-headed and stubborn of fools(me). So there. I'm also quite aware about how the same situation can be selectively perceived in two different ways...like how an "ackward silence" differs from "just enjoying each other's company" merely in the attitudes of the people in that situation. What you feel about the situation, the simple quiet in this case, totally revolves around your feelings for the other person. Its always the former when a person's with me, isn't it? Even when I'm feeling the latter. Like how catching a movie together is a very common date activity, but I've also learnt that it can be used so a person can spend time with someone and not have to talk to them. Anyway, is it any wonder why I've closed myself more and more over the years? It works too, as W has very magnificently proven through my JC and Uni days. Fewer enemies, more people 'accept' me(as far as normal work-related interraction goes) and gosh, even made a few aquaintences here and there. All because it wasn't me they saw...just W's acting skills(still improving, but the results so far have been promising). It is just so much less painful to simply isolate myself from people...especially before they decide to chuck me aside. Oh, just a side note...the whole giving someone space after you've been dumped by the person(even though you still love them)...maybe that works if the dumper is a guy, but it won't if the dumper is a girl. At least not if you want the chance to salvage that relationship.

Ah, lastly...putting God given talent to 'good use'. Heh...this one I've got a fair bit to say...at least I had, but now I'm honestly thinking of deleting all that I've just typed and not even making a blog update. People with talent for whatever are still people too. They have a right to be happy. While some would be really happy using that talent to push themsleves to fame, glory, fortune, etc...making a big name for themselves, changing the world, bettering mankind...well, there are also others who just want to do their best to bring a smile to the face of the girl or guy the love(yes, even if they totally suck at that and are fantastic at complex calculations). Whatever the choice, whatever the desire, why is there the need to crucify a person for not using his talent to bring himself/herself the aforementioned fame, glory and what not? Why do people forever look at the person, shaking their heads at the "waste of talent" and claiming the pity of "what he/she could have been"? Personally, I'm rather glad that I have at least 1 talent in something I like doing. I really feel bad for people who are talented in fields which they dislike,especially with all the condemnation that goes round. These people have every right to be happy too dammit. As far as I'm concerned, anyone, be your talent great or small, no matter what spectacular feats you may have achieved during your lifetime, anyone who, at the end of it all, is not happy, is a failure. Ironically, a number of greatly talened people in the past had quite sad personal lives. Vincent Van Gogh, for example, was a great artist, but I'm lead to believe that he wasn't a very happy man. I'd hardly call a suicide case a great success, would you? Well, to each, his own, but I know, that least for me...well, if I can't bring smiles to the faces of those I care for, at the very least my girlfriend/wife(that one person I care for the most of all, since I'm not gay), then no matter what I do, no matter what else I achieve, I'd be a failure to myself. Another thng I've learnt on this particular issue is that all these idiots who claim to know "what's best for you" are just that: IDIOTS. Unless you're some kind of mindless moron...oh wait, there are a lot of my fellow countrymen like that, aren't there? Well yeah, excepting that, you probably know what's best for you. I can say I sure did, no less than when I was in pri 2...or earlier. I think anyone who's seen me do anything plant or animal related would know that I've got a strong passion for, if not also talent, for those fields. My parents rained condemnation on my head for my choice of reading material back then...through all of primary school and secondary school. They'd force me to read 'good books' like Enid Blighton, Agatha Christie, etc. "If you want to be a biologist, then go study that in the university when you get there. For now you should be reading these good books and concentrating on your schoolwork." Yeah, well, I already knew what I was interested in back then. Perhaps if that passion(and possible talent) had been nurtured, who knows how much further I'd have gone? I'll say this once...your typical primary 2 student does NOT read field guides to the various flora and fauna of Europe for enjoyment. Yes, I'm talking about proper field guides, the kinda that, guess what? I'm talking about the kind actually used by University researchers and Biologists of the various fields. You'd think parents would be happy if all their child ever wanted to watch were documentaries! Of course, I read more than mere field guides, all the while enduring various put downs. The teachers and our 'wonderful' education system weren't any help either. So I suck at history, A maths and physics...and because of that you forbid me from taking biology? Hello? Where's the logic? Not to mention the threat of not being able to go to either JC or Uni because I suck at Chinese. Tis such a great system, producing very well rounded mediocrity! I'll always remember Eugene Kheng for one thing...he was without a doubt the ultimate when it came to physics. In that field he was gifted...and more. I think he even won a gold at the International Physics Olympiad or something. But you know what? He sucked at chinese too, I think he was even worse at it than me. No University in Singapore would have taken him in and its a wonder that he even made it to JC. The irony. I remember him swearing that he'd go overseas and never return. If I'm not wrong, the University which he chose to go to is so much better than any of ours that there's practically no basis for comparison. Its really wonderful how we nurture our local talent, isn't it? Oh yes, remember all the stuff I mentioned wanting to read and watch while I was in primary school? I was just lucky my uncle was nice enough to supply me with some of that. Not as much as I would've liked, but it was at least enough to help me later on in the University. Yup, its thanks to all the stuff I was reading back then, so long ago, that I was able to breeze through all of my year 3 biology modules. I almost didn't have to study for some of them, aside from a last minute look through of the lecture notes. Too little too late though, since my weakness in statistics and distaste for things Cell and DNA related caused me to miss honours by 0.1(dammit). However, I have a nice little Borders book voucher to the tune of $100, AKA The Raffles Prize, that I can keep(or spend, rather) as a testament to one thing: I was right all along. I'll set my own goals from now on, thank you very much...maybe they won't bring me fame, fortune or any form of recognition from any other person...but I think I know best for myself...at least what will bring me happiness and satisfaction.

Just an FYI, The Raffles Prize is given to the top student of a certain year 3 Biology module. I took that module as an Independent Study Module. I had to do all the normal coursework that every other student taking the module had to do, but all of that only counted towards 40% of my final grade. On top of that(and I wasn't getting any extra credit for this, just the normal 4MCs which anyone taking the module would get) I got what was practically equal to a UROPS research project added to my workload, which would count for the remaining 60% of my final grade. To my knowledge and those of my peers, this kind of insane weightage had never been heard of before. It was like doing more than 1 module extra and not getting any credit for it. My 100% was pitted against all the students in the class, their 100% coming from the normal coursework that made up my 40%. Crazy uber-muggers and the supposed know-it-alls in the class(people like Wai, Wei Song, Lynn and Hui Jia took the module with me, all are the former of course, but one is the latter as well)...well...I got the Prize and that speaks for itself.