W: I'm right again. Pay up.
Idealist me: Dammit!! Would it kill you to be wrong for ONCE?!
Rational me: We didn't make W so he could be wrong, you know.

There's an irony there. The failure I mentioned concerning W in my previous post was, on hindsight, my own fault. My fault for restricting him, limiting his options and actions. I didn't limit his perception though. So its like knowing there's a train coming, but there's nothing you can do because you're just tied to the tracks.

W: I *DID* warn you. This could all have been avoided too. But would you let me? Nooo
Rational me: I think its time to review W's access. He needs more. For our sake.
Idealist me: Lalalala...not hearing anything! Hope will prevail! Good will prevail!!
W: Yes, like how Justice will prevail. I'm so sure. Want to bet on that?
Rational me: Good? You mean like God?

That's another thing. God. I've prevented myself from blogging about it till now, but its come to the point where I can't anymore. Why in the world am I still going to church?!?! With each passing week, for various reasons, I have found myself more and more unable to sing songs of praise to him. While I'm sure there'd be people in my position who would have the blind faith to keep on believing, I'm not one of those people. Yes, this is a freaking cry for help it is. The way things are going, I'm going to be renouncing my faith before Christmas...if I haven't already done so inside. No, its not one large event that's caused this crisis of faith. Its more like a hundred million paper cuts since NS and only now I'm going into shock from blood loss, after getting weaker and weaker with each wound.

Idealist me: For the cause of good, even a life isn't too great a sacrifice!!
W: He's going to cost us our's, you know. Not like we'll get to Heaven...
Rational me: Yup. *nod nod*
W: We have to shut him up so I can get our life back on track.
Rational me: Yup. *nod nod*
W: Its not even going to be a sacrifice, just be the end to a meaningless existence.
Rational me: Yup. *nod nod*
W: So WHY aren't you helping me put him back to sleep!?!?

That's much the heart of it. Evil people should be dealt with using any means necessary, no matter how morally wrong it may be. They deserve as much. But how do you prevent your own personal feelings from getting in the way? How can you tell if someone is evil or just unaware of the effects of his/her actions?

Rational me: Can we at least agree that all's fair in love and war?
Idealist me: All's fair in war!!! Good must prevail!!!
W: He's tying my hands on love and non-romantic relationships though.
Rational me: Bah. We're so doomed.
Idealist me: We fight to the last man!!!
W: I refuse to die before he does.
Rational me: If he dies, we won't even have to.
Idealist me: Aren't you guys supposed to protect me?
W: I'm starting to think that's impossible. You're an idiot.
Rational me: I say we grab him and put him back to sleep.
W: Should never have let him out in the first place.
Idealist me: I am the eye in the sky, looking at you...

Music. Music is life. I think I know why I like love songs. Because the best love song is written with a broken heart. Its a funny thing...since most of the songs I like taste bittersweet. The others are either mystical or nostalgic...generally full of imagery. Songs with meaning...perhaps that's why I can't sing songs or praise to The Lord anymore...because I can't sing or say something I don't mean, not something like that. Sure, I'm a good liar, but when it comes to something like this...a lie is nothing if the one you tell it to knows its a lie.

Rational me: Haseo, even if you do bring Shino back...
W: Just pwn Ovan and get it over with, yeah?
Idealist me: Tri-edge...must...kill...Tri-edge...must...save...Shino...
Rational me: He's not listening to us, is he?
W: He's going to get us data drained.

Yeah, I can't wait till then end of October. Disgaea 2 was a bit too cheery for me, though at least the lead female protagonist has curves in all the right places. Doesn't make up for the lack of depth in comparison to the first game though...at least in terms of plot. The gameplay is still totally awesome though. Except for not being able to get Priere to join the party. She cool. And no, its not Final Fantasy XII I'm waiting for. That one looks rather 'meh' in terms of story to me.

W: Why are we even blogging again? Almost no one reads this crap.
Idealist me: It builds character.
Rational me: I'd like to spend those points to get rid of this idiot, thanks.
W: We'll never have enough. Besides, you guys did create me to keep you BOTH alive.
Rational me: Crud.
Idealist me: Love!! Love conquers all!! I'm sure even Demons have love!! ^^
Rational me: You do know she became a fallen angel, right?
W: Doesn't seem to have made a difference, she's still a love freak.

I dare say it was a mistake to even let my Idealistic side fully awaken. A big mistake. A gamble I guess...which I lost. Yes, W did warn me about it...that I'd lose it. I probably wouldn't have though, if I had let W do things his way. Because in this world, feeling and meaning is nothing. People look at what's on the outside, at the action itself and not the intention.

W: There is a saying: The path to Hell is paved with good intentions.
Rational me: I'm beginning to understand the truth of it now.
Idealist me: Love! Faith!! Hope!!!
W: Shouldn't that be courage?
Rational me: Love should be last, shouldn't it?

A cycle. A pattern. A downward spiral? Perhaps not. They say the future is uncertain. I wonder about the truth of that. W's been right many times, usually about things whose outcome I can't affect or change. To be able to see it...not to be unable to change it...is that a gift or a curse? It does make me wonder...how many people have seen or even know the true me? Most, even friends, either don't take me seriously or judge me in some way. What is the true me? I have to wonder...is the true me that which they see? Or that which I think I am?

Take for example the issue of physical fitness. I think that most people I know, even friends and close friends, think that I'm unfit and fragile. I remember being mocked for various things(yes, by friends), like even thinking of joining Rovers or various digs at the whole jacket thing. Hurtful, but I never let on. Because I wondered if they were right. Kao doesn't think that way, thankfully...but then, he'd never say it if he did. I guess it wasn't till the recent Sydney trip that I found my answer to this. That I'm probably one of the fittest who went...if not the fittest. Ironic, huh? Let's just say that we all went to a certain area of the Blue Mountains, me with Joyce and HuXian only and the rest of them together on their own trip. After covering about 1/3 of what we did, the rest were just too tired and went back to knock out...for the next day too. Too sore or something. Wimps. Joyce took it all without even complaining, though both her and HuXian did knock out just like the rest of 'em when we got back. Me? I didn't even ache and spent the next day walking around the city. Yeah, all day. Funny, huh? I rather suspect that a lot of other aspects of me are like that. I probably won't expend much effort in defending such incorrect perceptions of me, but it doesn't make them any less hurtful.

Idealist me: At least Joyce was decent to be around.
Rational me: The one who openly claims to be a guy in a girl's body? Umm...
W: Still, not even the slightest activation trigger for me at all. Peaceful.
Idealist me: Yeah...didn't make things any less lonely.
Rational me: Still...she's surprisingly non-judgemental. Rare trait.
Idealist me: Surprisingly loyal too. I'd say her boyfriend's lucky.
W: Nice friend perhaps, nothing more to us.
Idealist me: Wow...we finally agree for once.
Rational me: Maybe that's why I think her perception of me is very similar to my own.

I think i'm just rambling now. Why? Dunno. I guess I feel hollow inside. Which i the norm, me thinks. Will shut up now.