I guess I'll have to conceed it. But short of taking my own life or having someone else take it...I'll have to live in this world without love. Since God isn't speaking to me either, that just leaves one thing...Revenge. Its interesting though, because I can easily abandon any thought of revenge if I can get my future restored...which is probably why all efforts to that end have been futile. I won't go as far as to say that God(if he exists) is intentionally doing this, but I don't think I can believe he's on my side any more.

I've also come to realise that very frankly...Christians need God to be their purpose in life and without that, it leaves their lives empty. That's what they've been taught and essentially brainwashed into believing. It is this which breaks a Christian when they stop believing. I should find other things to live my life for.

That said, if a broken bone isn't set properly, it won't heal right. That happened in the past. The plan was for W to help me find someone to help me set it properly, but that didn't happen and it has long since healed into a flawed limb. That leaves me with two choices, doesn't it? To live with the handicap...or to correct it.

Since the damage was done to the core of my personality and it has long since 'healed' into this...looks like the only way to correct it would be to get W to break me...and reset as much as possible. I don't think there's any other way. As I am, to think that someone can love me for me is just naive. I can't just use founder to get around that like I can with most social interactions, because I'll be feeling lousy inside. So changes have to be made to the core. If I can correct my mindset, I'm relatively sure I'm a skilled enough manipulator to reach my goal, once I lose the restraints that prevent me from doing so.

I've also come to realise that to take one's life requires enough bravery and self-esteem to take your own life in your own hands and end it. Even in utter desperation and in the pits of dispair...you still need to have enough will to do it...and that will comes from your own self-esteem and self-image. Bah. I'm sure I have enough of that, except that I'm not the sort to just lie down and die. I'd sooner take a million lives than give up my own. Kao on the other hand, would rather take his own life than to hurt someone else...but he doesn't have enough self-esteem to fuel his will and take his life even though he might want to.

Oh well. I won't be the same when this ends. To be self-aware is a curse. Since I can't bring myself to purge that...then I will give up on happiness. I'll settle for peace and contentment. *sigh* can't believe I'm conceeding this, but reality has to kick in sometime.

Its a small world after all. Today I met someone whom I assumed was a total stranger, but turned out to be someone with whom I was in JC with and Benny's friend, no less! On top of that, she knew one of the AC GEP guys from my batch too! Talk about coincidence! Yes, she's physically attractive(dammit Kao, now you've got me looking at other things apart from faces! ARGH.) and yes, I got her number. I'll probably see her in NIE too, since she's going to be a teacher as well. However, to keep the world in balance and hell from freezing over, she's a malay muslim and she's already got a boyfriend. I swear the guy upstairs goes out of his way to keep me single. Oh yes, Benny, on the off chance that you're reading this(but you probably aren't), Marina says, "Hi". XP

On that note, W's doing a pretty decent job of things. I should've left things to him earlier! Like when I was back in JC! Except that the W back in JC is a far cry from the W of today. Looks like I was right about the final key after all. There's also this ambient sense of freedom and peace at being able to be heartless with people who don't accept me. I'm not good enough for you? Fook you! Don't like how I am? You can go suck it baby! muahahaha...so liberating!

Ah yes, the movie "The Break Up" is C-R-A-P. And that's putting it very nicely. I can't believe my bro actually enjoyed it. She's an idiot and he's a bastard. That kinda sums up the movie. Cars was like a million times better. Sure, it was feel good, cliche, Disney, predictable, etc...and it was STILL better!

I'm praying for germination of some of my carnivorous plant seeds. Praying. That's how high the chances of germination are. I want to be the first person in Singapore to grow that particular genera. One day I'll reach my ultimate goal: To grow at least one plant from every single genera of carnivorous plant, with three exceptions, quasi-carnivores not included, because one if almost extinct, one is not worth the effort in obtaining and the last because I don't want to get a fish tank devoted to pond scum.

Had lunch with a old friend I've not seen in some time today. Why am I making a post about something as mundane as this? Simple. Because she's one of those people whom I've not seen in a while but is still so warm to me. Its almost as if the period where we lost contact with each other didn't exist. She's a rare one and its friends like these who give me good reason not to wall myself off. Thanks Ee Lin, lunch was short, but it was nice seeing you again. :)

What can I say? I like warm people. They remind me why I still bother meeting and talking to people.

In other news, brain dump:

I kinda realise my blog is really crap. Why can't I ever write something decent or witty or basically something worth reading? Bah.

I am being restrained by my parents...well, actually by guardian relatives, which include my Aunt. Like an eagle with its wings broken. Grounded. I could be SO much more without these idiots holding me back. Someone please shoot me if I EVER become a parent like them. Oh, wait...I'll probably never even get married, let alone have kids. And no, I don't screw around. My loss I guess.

I digress. The above statement was made upon the realisation that if I were living with my parents now, I wouldn't have had a certain opportunity present itself to me. I won't mention the opportunity itself because frankly, I'd rather keep it quiet and I'm not the sort to brag about such things, though I wonder if this one is worth some pride, heh. Anyway, my Aunt, though she does adopt the same stand my parents does is not as strict in enforcing it. Basically, if I was staying with my parents, I wouldn't be able to grow all the highland and cool growing carnivorous plants I'm growing now because of stupid reasons like "No means NO!" and "Because I say so!" and "Who keeps plants in their bedroom? This is a house, not a jungle!". I'd say that its directly because I do grow these supposedly difficult to grow carnivorous plants that I got the opportunity; my abilities with these plants have gotten some attention from the people on the plant forums and as such, my name just got passed to the right people. Should be helpful in future, heh. Anyway, this just proves that I have IDIOTS holding me back! If I wasn't defiant, insistent and if I was the type to be obedient without fighting for what I bloody want, I wouldn't have gotten this far. If I'd listened to all those 'reasonable' people who said it wasn't possible, who claimed that common sense tells you it can't be done...hah!

Which brings me to another thought: How many possible opportunities could I have missed already? 23 YEARS WORTH! Alarming! Utterly alarming! I could've been Lam. For those who don't know, Lam is a sec 4 student at ACS(I). He's very much into Nepenthes(tropical pitcher plants). Because of his passion, he was instrumental for the start of this pitcher plant tissue culture thingy going at at ACS(I) now. His parents were a great support because from years before, they've supported his interest and given him a few thousand dollars to spend on his Nepenthes hobby, allowing him to gain valuable experience and further his passion. Now all the teachers at ACS(I) know who he is and no doubt this accomplishment will be very helpful to him in the future. Good for you Lam! Nice going! The thing is, who's to say I couldn't have done something like that?

I have the passion! And not just for plants like everyone seems to assume, plants have always been my secondary interest. I'm more into animals actually. And in spite of everything, I started getting know as the plant guy in Uni...mainly because I refuse to join in the bragging games of all the arrogant know-it-alls who show off in the various labs. Anyway, before I get carried away...I have the passion!! At this point, I'm sure some of you will be smart-assy and ask why I didn't join Toddycats or something like that. Simple. Because that happens to be where all those arrogant FARKERS decided to congregate. I don't have time to play politics, nor do I want to have to show off just to be noticed. In those conditions, its highly unlikely I'll actually learn much more than I already do.

So, how do my guardian relatives come into the picture? Simple. "If you're interested in it, go and study it in the Uni", "Don't waste your time reading that(that refering to the various nature books my uncle, a rational THANK GOD, used to get for me on his holidays overseas) and go read some good books, like Enid Blighton's and Agatha Christie's", "This is a house, not a zoo/jungle", "Why can't you put that effort into studying Chinese?", "Don't waste money", etc. etc. With their attitude towards ANY of my interests, its amazing that I got anywhere with them at all. If any of my interests were indulged, it was followed by an EXTREME guilt trip and lots of emotional blackmail. FUCKING DISGUSTING, that's what it is.

Hello? How the heck do you expect me to obey your commands of "be creative!" and "don't be afraid to try new things!" when you freaking thwart me every step of the way?!? Not that'd I'd listen to you. I'll be ME and if I happen to be creative or whatever, its because I AM and not because you tell me to be. I'll do what I FUCKING WANT DAMMIT!!! I am my own person! The only one who has ANY bloody right to tell me to do something is GOD. Period. That's the way I see it. Obviously I'm not a very good Christian since I just can't follow the 'obey your parents' rule thingy.

Ah, that feels good. Just had to get it out of my system.