Saw this on Raydance's blog...and I'm feeling bored...

1. Describe the best feeling you've ever had:
That feeling when I finally passed my 'O' level chinese...was literally jumping for joy...

2. Were you named after anyone:
Nope. I sure hope not anyway.

3. Do you wish on stars:
Sometimes...

4. Which finger is your favorite?:
I don't play favs.

5. When did you last cry:
A long, long time ago. I've no more tears left now...

6. Do you like your handwriting:
No.

7. What is your favorite lunch meat:
Fish or chicken. Either will do really.

8. Any bad habits:
Lots. And I mean lots.

9. What is your most embarrassing CD?:
Don't really have any embarrassing ones. I 'preview' those in my aunt's collection before I get any. If you're wondering about what happens if she doesn't have one I'd like to hear...well, that hasn't happened before. =P

10. If you were another person, would you be friends with you and why or why not?:
Probably, assuming that this new me is like the me now. Why? Because its hard to find people on the same wavelength I'm on.

11. Are you a daredevil:
Yes, at times.

12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?:
No. I'm sure of that. If I swear something, I keep to my word. Of course, I don't do that lightly.

13. Do looks matter:
Till I can prove/make it otherwise, yes.

15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow:
I can't prove that there isn't... =P

16. Do fish have feelings?
Sure hope not...

17. Are you trendy:
i wear what i like...therefore, I'm guessing: no.

19. Where is your second home:
I'd like to find out where my first one will be...

20. Do you trust others easily:
No. Not by far.

21. What was your favorite toy as a child:
I have this pair of orange soft toy dogs. Yes, I still have them now. Imagine that. 20 year old soft toys...

22. What lesson in school do you think is totally useless:
Health Education.

23. Do you like sappy love songs:
Not something I ought to admit, but yes. It does depend on the singer, but in all probability, yes.

24. Have you ever been on radio or television?:
Nope.

25. Do you have a journal:
If this counts...

28. What do you look for in a guy/girl?:
An evil bitch. Muahahahaha =P
Actually, any gal who's nothing like my mom will do. Muahahahahaha... =P
But seriously, someone who can see the real me, accept that...and love that.

29.What are your nicknames?:
You tell me.

30. Would you bungee jump?:
Why not? Bring it on!

31. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off:
Too...LAZY....

32. What are you worried about right now:
Ironically...nothing. I OUGHT to be worried about my exams, but the closest I've come to that is almost worrying about why I'm not worried.

33. Do you ever wear overalls:
Don't even own a pair...

34. Do you think you are strong:
People seem to think so...

35. What's your favorite ice cream flavor:
Anything with chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Yumyumyum...

36.What's your favorite color:
Blues mostly...black, white, green and grey too...

37. What's your least favourite thing in the world:
Everyone targeted by Command 001. They're no longer people to either of us.

38. How many wisdom teeth do you have:
No idea.

39. How many people have a crush on YOU right now:
ZERO. And I can say that with total confidence.

40. Who do you miss most right now:
The me that I once was.

41. Do you want everyone you sent this to to send it back:
Well, since it wasn't sent to me in the first place...

42. What are your fears:
I'm not sure. The last time I really felt afraid was when I couldn't get into the uni...which doesn't apply now.

43. Favourite Song?:
Too many to list or decide on just one fav...

44. Listening to rite now?:
1000 Words, Koda Kumi, FF X-2

Gah. Need sleep.

Sometimes I just don't know what to write here. I never seem to write anything positive and well...the negative stuff about a person tends to drive people away from that person. Sojourner has suggested to me that the fastest, most sure-fire way to sabotage a person's newly made friendship with me is to pass them the link to this blog. I guess I'm going to have to agree.

Maybe some thoughts are better off sealed inside me where no one can see or hear them. Lord knows it drives friends away, what more potential love interests? That is...assuming that for me, there are even potential love interests. Hey, gals love bad boys, but not this kind of bad. I'm getting off this train of though. Its unhealthy.

Maybe I should just keep my innermost thoughts...inside.

Kao reminded me of a very interesting concept today. That disapproval of a person does not equate to dislike of a person. Hmm... However, 'not dislike' doesn't equate to like either. It can mean anything from like to mere tollerance of the person. That range crosses the line for me, because I can usually sense this 'just merely tollerating me' attitude and it makes things very uneasy for me. In this case, ignorance would be bliss. I don't know..but I don't want people to 'have to put up with me'. I'd rather they just go their own way and the both of us would be happier. I won't be around unless I'm wanted or unless I have to be.

Okay, i'm doing a very clumsy job of explaining it.

I'm not in the business of rejecting people. What I'm trying to say is...if you're one of those who merely tollerates me, I'm giving you the option to just go your own way. I don't want to force anyone to tollerate me. Its your choice and there's no obligation for you to do so...ie if you choose to, its your own free will and nothing more. Something like that.

I don't want company if they're forced to stay. I want company who want, by their own choice, to stay.

And if you choose to stick with me, don't regret it...because you may well do so...

Yeah. You want out, here's your chance.

But if not...well, I'm glad to have ya with me. Stick around; I don't abandon my friends.

Welcome to the Legacy. <--Its some Fantasy/Sci-Fi Trek thingy. Ask if ya want. =P

I'll say this once. And only once. If you don't like what's up here or on W's log, don't read it.

And don't go round condemning me behind my back, either. Its not nice. You got issues with me, you take them up with me. At least get some facts straight before you jump to your conclusions, yea? If you've never had one single face to face, heart to heart conversation with me about life, then I'm 100% sure that you don't know me. Otherwise, you have the benefit of the doubt...and if you persist, then I'll just take it we've agreed to disagree and go our own ways.

Lalalala...

No, I'm still feeling quite annoyed.

Those walls have ears...or they might just be a founder...

On a brighter note...actually, you know what? I can't think of anything good to write here. Oh well. Maybe some time next...decade or something.

It will never cease to amaze me how people who once called me childish and immature can be just that, now, so many years from when they should've grown up. For goodness sakes, if you've broken a law/rule don't whine about being punished for it. You have utterly no right to. Especially if the warning was given. And calling the rule stupid is just pathetic. Its not like there can't be stupid rules. Its a clear case of 'don't do this or you'll get punished in this way'. Simple. The action isn't something unavoidable, in fact, it takes some effort to perform. Its quite similiar to a no entry without authorisation condition. If you enter an area with a trespassers will be shot sign and you enter it and get shot, you don't blame the rule. Whoever owns the land has that right, its their land. A greater irony is that the person in question is a law student, as far as I know anyway. If this is an example of how THOSE people have turned out, it only proves that I wasn't wrong all this while. And these are the kind of people who, till today, still condemn me. Its a wonder I haven't left things completely in his hands.

Isn't it an irony when when you have two people who angst...but both think that the other doesn't have the right to angst or shouldn't be angsting(Is that a real word? It is now..)? Remind me of how Kao and I started out. Being as honest(come on, a friendship can't hope to survive without honesty) as we were, we spent a good amount of time trying to convince each other as to why we thought the other had a much better chance of finding happiness than ourselves. Now that we've come to really know each other, we can understand why we once saw things the way we did...and the conclusion: We did have a right to our views. Just that well, we're both equally screwed up...only in different ways...like getting to the same place via different routes. Its not so much a compromise, more of an acknowledgement of the other's life and views of it, such as they are.

Why am I mentioning this? Well, I usually temper most of the things I say about people with something to the effect of 'But I don't live his/her life, so I can't say I wouldn't be doing the exact same thing they're doing'. If I forget to say it, do forgive me. With people like Kao, that condition is a given, so I don't have to keep saying it. Why am I mentioning this? Because one of the things that annoys me most are people who can think...without knowing crap about my life...that I have no right to my 'angst', such as it is. I don't mind it if you know about my life and what I've been through and THEN you still tell me I'm just being childish or contrived or wallowing in misery that's just in my head. That what people like Joel are for. He's been with me for goodness knows how many years and till now, I can still trust him to tell me when I'm being childish and all. Why? Because he's blunt...more so than most people...and because he knows that much about me and my life.

However, few people know what I've been through. Funny how quite a few people seem to make that claim though. Short of using some really colourful language to describe these people, I'll just say this: If you've NEVER had a single decent, meaningful conversation with me, in person, DON'T even THINK of making that judgement. You don't know me. Given your behaviour, you probably never will. Especially if YOU are guilty of angsting about your life. I know of some people who have screwed up lives, but don't angst at all on account that they don't feel its productive. If they want to do condemn me for having my share of angst, fine. They can be forgiven on account that at LEAST their lives do suck and they aren't being hypocritical. For the rest of you out there, who either do angst or who seem(note:seem) to lead nice normal and decently non-sucky lives...you don't know what I've been through, so don't even begin to think that you have any right to judge me. And woe betide those *beep* who not only judge me, but have also actively contributed to how sucky me life is. Hell is too good for you.

I can't believe that for a second...I thought that W might be wrong in his judgement about a certain someone. Heck, I wanted him to be wrong. I think...for a long time...I've wanted W to be wrong...even if it was just one person...just one. He's never been...not once, so far. He wasn't made to be, of course. He was made to be accurate. Anything created by a human is imperfect...and he is that, too. But so far, he has been accurate...and alarmingly so. In fact, maybe I just wanted W to be wrong about someone...for once. He's never been. Not so far.

And why do I have two logs? I don't need to justify myself. The people who matter most to me probably know the answer to this. And that's all that matters. As for the rest, think of me what you will. The unfair trial will be on your part, not mine. I can say what I will, but true to the nature of so-called humanity, you will call me things like 'poser' or the like. Trust me, if I wanted to act, I'd let W handle that side of things...and trust me when I say that you wouldn't think it fake. I'm not being egotistical. He IS that good. Tried and tested.

Kill Bill. Not a bad show. I can empathise. Their mistake was that they didn't kill me when they had the chance. Only...in my case, they showed no mercy. It just wasn't enough. Too bad. And to me...death is too easy for them. I may not be trained in sword skills...but there is more than one way to skin a cat. I may not have taken a human life before either...but W is more than willing. Guess I've got to go catch vol 2 now, when it comes out.

On a more cheerful note, today has been a fairly pleasant day. I managed to keep W out of most of it and thus, rather enjoyed it actually. Too bad W's evaulation isn't too good this time around. A pity though, because if he's right, it'd mean that there's another with fairly decent acting skills. Ah well...with every negative evaluation comes the chance for hope.

End Log.

I was going to write something about trust today...but...frankly...I can't seem to care enough to bother. In fact, my last log entry was kinda about that and honestly, who still bothers to come here? I'm not too sure what to think too...that Petey is the ONLY person so far whom I know who links to me. But then, who'd want to be caught dead knowing someone who can write the stuff I do, right? Heh, looks like that personality test thingy got his part right...at least about the best friend reason.

I'm slowly being forced to conceed that W's right about most people...and ironically, he's been forced to conceed that I'm right about there being exceptions to that rule...only...VERY few exceptions. I'll say this though...Candice was right when she ssaid that the university would change the way I see things. It has...and not for the better...but then again, that depends oon just how you see it. I've come to the conclusion that W is right...bottom line, the only person you can depend on here is yourself. God not being counted as a person, of course.

On God...I'm wondering...so...when things go right, you give him the credit, but when things screw up...you can't blame him? I dunno...sounds kinda unfair to me. I'm sorry, but that's just how I see it. Perhaps in years to come, I'll look back and give thanks and see the real reason he put me through what I'm going through now. Just like how those years of horror caused the creation of W. My strength...it was a high price to pay, but its not like I had the choice. And even if I did, I'd pay it. I might as well convert those weaker areas of me into something better. Seeing as how W and I are seeing eye to eye more often now...its likely that God is perhaps helping us with project union.

I will say this...even if project union succeeds, Command 001 will still exist. So this is my warning. If and when it triggers...we know who our targets are. Unless you've reformed by then...your fate is sealed.

I digress. Core of the matter...I've just come to realise just how plain selfish the people here in the uni are. And suddenly, W's approach to everything makes perfect sense!! Designating people as either resource, threat or irrelevant...and treating them as such. I can't believe I'm actually agreeing with him! But I am. And people just aren't trustworthy either. I haven't gotten used to it, but I will in time. I have to stop thinking that just because someone says they'll do something, it means they will do it. That kind of honour doesn't exist. Not here. Make me eat my words! I dare ya all! Not that ya can. Its in your nature.

It IS a cold world...of masks and deception. I'm sick of all the smiles that hide cruel, selfish intent. I'm sick of all the pretense of friendship...people who pretend to be friendly when they couldn't give two hoots if they never saw you again. Or perhaps its just me. Is it egotistical to think that? That its just ME whom people don't want in their lives? Unless they have no one else? Me...that people wouldn't mind knowing for the resource potential, but when it comes to hanging out as friends, I'm the last person they think of.

Why? Why? WHY? Why am I even bothering about why? This is the way things are and are going to be. Lord knows I've tried in vain to change things...and failed...miserably...over and over again. Why am I even bothering?

In fact, why am I bothering to write a log? My thoughts are my own. And frankly, who REALLY cares what I think, anyway?

I've said it before, I'll say it again. People have lives. I just tend not to be part of them.

A friend made a comment to me some time back(well, there's your answer...if you're reading this that is) that in my current state, even he or Kao wouldn't be able to get close to me. I've been pondering it and I do wonder if he's right. Of course, the question of 'Who the heck would want to be close to me?' does linger in my mind. I'm the kind of person most people would turn to when they've got no one else...either for support or information or because I'm the kind who tends to be willing and cunning(notice, not smart or intelligent, but cunning) enough to get things done when you can't take the usual or legal means. And after that, I'm forgotten...until I'm needed again. Does this smack of 'They're using me!' of what? The number of people who desire my company JUST because I'm me I can count on one hand. So, tell me why I'd want to open my heart? It'd only end up hurt anyway. Perhaps I'm killing my chances of me finding myself a mate too. But you know, there wasn't much to kill. Forgive me for my cynical take on love and all that, I know you're attached and happy and all, but...in my case...this whole lack of love is just something I'm going to have to deal with. Say what you like, but I know what people look for in mates...and I don't have any of those things. All I have is me...my personality and my self. But that's never enough, because no one will ever look that far. Perhaps I've grown distant. Or perhaps you've just found a circle of close friends where you fit in perfectly well...and gasp! I'm not part of it. Its not unexpected. Not in the least. Why do you think I largely shut the Legacy off to everyone except Kao? From the emotional standpoint, because come hell or high water, he's been there for me. From the more rational standpoint, he's got the same problems as me and because of that, he's not likely to leave. In fact, i'm hoping that I never leave him in the ditch if somehow, some day, I do find a mate. As much as I hate to admit it, thanks to W, I do have slightly better chances than he does of finding a mate. Not that that's saying much.

I STILL want to know why God gave me a heart so capable of love if all it ever feels is pain.

And various comments have been made about me angsting...whether I do or do not rather. It would seem that I don't really angst after all...assuming that the definition of angst is to generally complain and bitch about something WITHOUT doing anything about it. As I've said, one of three things will happen: Either my emotional buffer kicks in and I'm back to a semi-content state, W activates and blots out all unproductive actions and proceeds to actively do something about the situation or reason will kick in and I'll see the reason why my problem exists and rationality will prevent me from bitching too much about something that I can't do anything about(if it so be the case). In fact, the whole ranting about it on this blog serves one very important purpose: To dissipate the dark energy build up. Sure, I can get W to convert it and all, but an overuse of W will tend to, one way or the other, push me beyond my physical/mental limits, leading to...yes, THOSE headaches. I notice they fade more quickly when I deactivate all of W's subroutines...including pain tollerance. But yeah. All things considered, I do have a lot of stuff to angst about. Sure, I could. But other than what I need...what's the point?

Oh, yeah, and while i'm at it, in case you(you know who you are) didn't see W's log entry, well, looks like I'm about to be proven right once again. What did you think? That things would be different? Come on, people will be people. Things don't change when it comes to me. They never will. Call it Kal-Toh. To see the seeds of order within the chaos. As the chaos fluxes and changes those seeds of order will remain forever constant...and when you can see these seeds of order, you can win Kal-Toh. You've made comments on how I'd be good at things like sociology and politics. Well, it all comes down to a basic understanding of society and human nature. Maybe the only reason I see what I see and know what I know is because I can see those seeds of order...and that, only because those seeds of order govern my unchanging fate in society. Come on, did you really think that things would be different this time round? Please.

Negative stuff aside...I've found somewhere where I can put my attention into to distract me from my less than pleasant desires: PS2!! Go Kite!! Muahahahaha!! DD those suckers!!

Never mind. Just thankful for .hack and the lack of meaningless, skill-less lucked based games(READ: Chocobo racing).

A little bit of me dies every day it would seem. Of course, I might be taking that back when the emotional buffer kicks in. IF it kicks in. I wonder if it works when W has control of the system...I mean, since he's able to convert and use dark energy...

I guess no one ever reads this stuff...but then again, ain't that just like in real life? No one ever goes below the surface. Why would they? W is so much more acceptable to them than I am. The irony of it all.

I don't know...these few days, there just doesn't seem to be anything worth bitching about. Well, there is, but its all the same old stuff I'm usually going on about...and now its come to the point where I'm tired of repeating myself.

I'll say this though. My Christian life has hit an all time low. Its come to the point where I can see why Satan and that 1/3 of the angels would rebel against God. Why be a prince in heaven when you can be a king on earth? Why take orders from someone when you can be free? I'm wondering if all those 1/3 of the angels actively supported Satan or even those who took a neutral stance got thrown out too. I wasn't there, so I can't claim to know. But at my present state, I rather suspect that if I was there, I'b have been part of that 1/3.

I ought to be content with what I have. I should be. As a Christian. I should be serving God. I should be happy.

But I'm not. I'm miserable. Not like anyone cares. Well, okay, I know someone who does, but since he's in the same boat as me, does he count? Just at, at the moment, I'm at the sinking end and he's at the one above water. But the boat is still sinking. The fact is, I'm not happy. I'm not even content with that I have, as much as I ought to be. Then again, what do I have? All things considered, I don't have anything to lose. Am I serving God? Nope, unless THIS is his will for me(a possibility I'm still not discounting). I'm at that point where I'm almost prepared to go to any means...to do anything...to change this life...to make a life for myself. I'm SICK and TIRED of being screwed at every turn, of almost being a living murphy's law. All I want is a nice loving family, a circle of friends where I feel I belong and a mate. Is that too much to ask?!?! NORMAL people have at least 2 out of the 3, if not all 3 and more on the side. I barely have 1!!! I'm not talking about bad hand, I'm talking about those "Oh shit no matter what I do I'm screwed" ones. The only thing I have left is me...well, my mind anyway. Which God in his infinite mercy so generously provided me with. However, that mind can't see any way out of this mess without taking some drastic and sinful steps. Oh, yeah, he gave me a heart too. One that was once caring and capable of love. One that had no defence to the brutal mutilation it would suffer at the hands of the world. A heart that I'm trying to prevent from becoming any more cold and twisted than it already it...a heart of festering wounds. What was the point?!? To make me suffer?

I'm sick of suffering. I'm sick of this world. And since God won't be so merciful as to just blink me out of existence, I'm going to have to make do. I've tried the side of light and you know what? It doesn't work. Maybe it does, but I'm just not meant to be there. Kinda like Judas or Saul. I'm about ready to turn to the darkness for help. Almost, but I'm practically there. What have I got to lose? At my current state, I'm going to hell anyway. I'll either make a pact with the dark one or I'll just rely on myself, either one will still land me in hell. I'm sorry Lord, but right now, your grace ain't sufficient for me. Sure, Paul got a thorn in his flesh. I get the forty dozen bullet wounds. That didn't kill me right off the bat. Whee. Joy. Fun. I may come to regret saying all this later on. But right now, this is how I feel.

Strength? Yeah, I need strength. Maybe I was strong from the start. Maybe that's why God threw my in this crappy situation. Because he thinks I'm Job, version 1.02 Well, I'm no Job. I'm not going to curse him and die, but I'm certainly not going to just accept my lot. Back then, 7 years ago, I almost paid an awful price for the strength I needed to survive. But at the same time, I found God...who, shall we say, allowed my a discount. Its not that I'm not thankful, I am...he's allowed me to get through some of the most difficult of threats to my future...but...its come to seem more like saving a drowning man, just to throw him in the drink again...repeat ad-infinitum. I just want to be happy. Or content. I just...I'm human damn it. Deep down, I'm still human.

Its time...I paid the price. In full. I just...can't take it anymore.

Haha...looks like I scared another one away. Ah well...that's life.

I'm betting that enough people are either unobservant enough or just plain sick of visiting W's Log that no one will actually see whatever I've posted here. Of course, that's assuming that anyone still reads W's Log, which is rather unlikely. Maybe 2 people still do, but I can't be sure.

I'm seriously starting to hate my SPS group. Yes, there are enough decent looking girls in it for eye-candy attraction factor, but since when has that ever been a factor to me? No, I'm not going to let W target them, either. We have a goal to focus on right now and that's survival.

Its strange really...everytime I think I'm surviving decently well and start trying to live life instead of merely surviving through it, SOMETHING will happen to prove I just CAN'T afford to let my guard down for one second. I can only say this, the big guy up there must be preparing me for something big...or maybe he just has a real strange sense of humour. Its like I was saying to Kao: Whenever something is left to chance or 'fate', the probability of the outcome being one of the worst possible ones = 1. How else do you explain it when the crappiness of your lecturers and TAs is proportional to how difficult/important the subject is to you? Its almost like pokemon! Yup, somehow that opponent gets like 6-7 consecutive heads...and you always end up tails.

Just a thought...if God wants you to be happy, he'd have made you content with the life you were going to lead, right? In that case, I conclude that God can't want you to be happy. I'm not saying that he doesn't want to to be happy, so don't get me wrong. It would seem that while God does want what's best for you, that 'best' might not be something you'd be happy with. Maybe the 'best' thing for me...and maybe the entire world...is that I don't get the chance of reproducing and passing on my genetic line. Or maybe it'll be his plan that I get so utterly lonely that I end up, say 30 or so years from now, either visiting some prostitute or raping some girl...and from that sinful deed, the anti-christ will be born or something. I'm sorry, but it'll take a hell lot to convince me that I was sent to this world to be a force of good. I can't possibly be, no matter how much I may want to be or try to be.

People...most poeple anyway...suck. I don't like being unwanted or unappreciated...or used nor ignored...or scorned or looked down upon. Yet for some reason, I'm invisible to a good 80% of the population. I swear, I can walk right by someone I know and the person won't notice me till I tap him or her on the shoulder. Heck, its happened many times. The conclusion: Either the person is damn blur, I'm near invisible or they just don't want to see me nor acknowledge my existance. Of course, the other 19.99999999% of the population do take notice of me, only not in a positive light. There's only so much a person can take and while I'm trying to be good, my heart isn't that good. I think only a saint can keep it up under this kind of circumstance...and a saint, I'm not.

I have as much right to be me and anyone else has to be themselves. That's why I'll never change myself, not my true self anyway, to fit in. And that's why I'll never find a place where I do fit. It just doesn't exist.

All I can say is...IF...and only IF (because I'm rather sure it'll never happen) I one day meet a girl who does like me for who I am...and should I like her to...I'm going to do my best to make her the happiest gal on earth...because she deserves that much. Heh, for anyone seeking to hold me to this promise...heh...wait long long...

I seek the five keys to my soul. The keys that can unlock the true me...

For the first time ever, I woke up feeling empty. Not the usual kind of empty...a different kind of empty. Usually its just a feeling of a void within me...but today, that void just isn't there. Along with a lot of other things, like my cares, desires, etc. W has done his job well. At least I know that I'm now sealed off from the world. Or maybe its just God that's left me? Nah, can't be. If it was, I'd be feeling some sort of loss...

He's the first Key. God. Because I'd be nothing without him...because without him there would be no meaning in life. Because he keeps me in line and bails me out when I'm in grave danger. Because of him, I can't die till my time is up...till my purpose is completed. Because only he can provide the other four keys to unseal me.

But I search for the other four. They are what makes me, me...the true desires of my soul...of me. The four things that can deactivate W, even at his worst. The four things...that...no matter how far gone I may be, will always be able to unlock me.

Yup...I'll be chilling here for the time being...