Looks like I've got time to catch up on my writing. Anyway...with the coming of the new year, I wonder if I should make any resolutions? Nah. No point really, I'll probably forget about them in a few days.

Death. After a whole string of sms' along the lines of "Anita Mui is dead, *sobz*", my thoughts have started to dwell on this rather unfitting topic. For the most part, I've come to realise that death, my own or that of others doesn't really seem to matter much to me. Its like, yeah, someone dies. We'll all mourn for a while then well, life goes on. Big deal. Maybe I'll change my tune when someone who means something to me dies, but since I've got more fingers on one hand than there are people who actually mean something to me, that's not bloody likely. As for my own death, let's just say that my experiences led me to look upon death as a release. I gave up worrying or being afraid of my own death in sec 3. A very welcome side effect was that quite a few of my fears, namely those having to do with self-preservation, vanished along with it. The only issue I have with death now is that it'd be akin to letting all the bastards win...ie that I'll be gone before I can have my revenge. Kinda sad really when I think about it...that the reason, plain and simple, that I haven't taken my life yet is just that: revenge. Well, that and the fact that I'd end up in hell if I did so. Not that I'm not going to end up there the way my life is shaping up.

Its quite interesting, the reasons people tend to come up with as to why I wear a jacket a lot. The top two so far are that I'm sickly and that I'm trying to "act cool". Its not a bad thing really. Both of those will only work to my advantage if those same people ever try to give me trouble. Sigh...people are so ready to jump to conclusions, aren't they?

Looks like I didn't continue the last blog....heh.

Its new year's eve. It seems like just yesterday when we entered NS. I remember clearly my thoughts that day. "Like all other trials, I'll survive this...and it will be but a memory". And thus, I am here. In the University...completed my first sem...with many more ahead of me. I don't even feel old...more like...timeless. After all, what is time to a wolf?

This first sem in the uni has taught me some other things too...to be more independent for one. Till now, I've been relying on others too much, be they friends or aquaintences. I hate to say it, but things were hell initially...for like the first few days. Then I let W take over and frankly, his apporach worked wonders. A welcome side effect of it is that I think I'm finally getting used to being alone. It doesn't feel so bad anymore...I mean, I know the feeling well, but its always felt lousy. Not anymore.
Maybe that's why I'm skipping all the various get togethers this year's end. There's just no point. The people who mean anything to me keep in contact with me anyway...and I don't need to see the rest.

I may have to make a rather interesting choice soon though...a possibility...or a confirmed valuable resource. Not an easy choice.

Serendipity. It sounds almost mystical, don't you think? Tonight I enjoyed watching a movie of the same title...for the third time, I think. And still I enjoyed it. Once again, not bad for a movie with a plot full of holes, as I'm sure Kao would point out. The notion of it all still appeals to me somehow. Its strange...because on one hand, I've grown up over the past few years...and learnt a few important things. Like how the ideal of 'soulmates' is just an ideal and nothing more. Like how chance and 'fate' and life will practically screw me any chance it gets...and if I want a decent existence...not even good life, but merely decent existence, I already have to take matters into my own hands. Like how love is really a choice and how the main factors in this choice are physical attractiveness, material gain and social standing. I've become realistic...perhaps...dare I say it, more mature?

And yet...somehow...heh...perhaps I'll continue this tomorrow...

I have just seen the coolest El Hazard AMV ever. Its probably my fav fantasy anime. Yeah, sure the plot isn't THAT complex. And yeah, sure, the characters ain't that funny or cool or etc. In fact, to date, only ONE person actually recognised the name 'Ifurita'. Yeah, El Hazard is that unknown. But I like it. Ifurita is probably the closest any character...in any work of fiction..that comes the closest to who and what I am...W included. The Ifurita in the El Hazard manga is probably closer, but, yeah. And along the sequals suck line...El Hazard should've just ended with the Magnificent world series. Alternate world just ruined everything. Bleah.

Maybe I just like feel-good stuff. I enjoyed Love Actually so much, I really wouldn't mind seeing it again. To be honest, the show had a paper thin plot and little character developement...but it was funny...entertaining anyway. Its probably the closest I'll ever get to love, so I might as well enjoy it. How can I even say that? Simply cos of the fact that I've NEVER met a gal whose mind is even remotely near my mind's wavelength. I've met some whom I thought were...but upon getting to know them better...heh.

I wonder what its like to be female. No, I'm not going to turn gay or start cross-dressing or anything. I'm just wondering, that's all. To grow up as a female in this world...

I know full well what will happen if I lose my fight...and give in...let the world destroy the little that's left of me. In the past few months, both me and W have turned our attentions to crafting and perfecting skills and abilities...skills and abilities which would be W's to use when Command 001 triggered. All I've seen and experienced made me sad...if anything...for I've finally seen reality. It took time...but I've faced even that which I did not want to believe was true. The emotional stress of that, along with my ever pressing issues with God...caused me to resign myself to my fate. Command 001 became not an 'if', but a 'when'. After all, it is a dark world I live in...and why shouldn't all those who've tried to destroy me get their just rewards?
But I've been distracted. That's W's problem to deal with. If I had any confidence in my work on project W, I ought to leave those matters to W...after all, I created him...and though he is an imperfect being, created by an imperfect being, I should let him to what he was created to do. Instead, I should've focused on my own fight.

I have a right to be happy, just like everyone else. I have a right to live, not merely survive, just like everyone else. And more than anything, I have the right to fight for all that...for a life, more than just an existence. I have a right to make my own choices and not to have those choices forced upon me by those whose only desire in life is for control. More than anything, I have a right to be me. THAT is my fight.

I've never really understood why so many have come against me in the past. I never sought those confrontations, its always been someone else trying to hurt me, break me, destroy me. All I know is that I'm different...from most people. While most don't seem to have a problem with that, a good number seem to. Is it so threatening to them that someone so different from them can be happy in this same world that they, in all their childish insecurity, are forced to attack and try to destroy him? Am I just so different from their shallow, judgemental, pre-concieved notions of what a person 'should be' that their closed, myopic minds force them to take action to prevent their fragile misconceptions of the world from being shattered? How utterly pathetic. It almost makes me pity them.

My fight must go on. Because if I loose sight of it, they'll have won. This is my life. My story. And no one's going to take it from me.

I DIDN'T fail stats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the grand scheme of things, I am but one person...and at time, its so easy to see myself as a mere statistic. However, history has proven that one man...one single human man...can impact the world. The future is uncertain...and while I'm sure many would scoff...I won't rule out the possibility of me being such a man. All I'm uncertain of is...if I had that power...would I help mankind...or seek to destroy it?

Even if I don't change the world...I think that...if I could make a difference in the life of the people I know...I'd be satisfied.

On another note: The english(US) version of 1000 words doesn't suck as bad as expected. Yay!!

Sheila's smiling again!! It funny...strange...how glad I feel at just this simple thing. But I am.

Thank goodness she'll never know that.