I just don't have the heart to write anymore...or the heart at all, anymore. Its a funny feeling...well...more of a lack thereof. In the past, even when my heart felt dead, I at least felt its leaden weight in my chest...but now...its just gone. I don't think I even need W's control to harm anymore...I'm pretty much sure that I can and will if it ever comes to it.

What a price to pay. It seems a bargain now. To be unable to care...or feel emotional pain. God must be rather unhappy with me by now. But then, hey, he's had till now to give me some vote of confidence. Just a little encouragement would've been good. Well, since its turned out this way...hey, I've got nothing to say about that.

Can this be reversed? Now that...truely...is up to God. I'm not about to hurt myself. So there.

There's an irony here seeing as I'm a lousy swimmer...


Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a
good communicator. Incredibably loving and
loyal when your trust is gained and you are
fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is
in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river
but nobody truly knows you.


What's your element
brought to you by Quizilla

Lolz...it amuses me no end to know that there are some people who think that I can't fit in no matter how much I try. Really, if anything, W's founder routines should've erased that doubt. If anything, my problem is that I can blend way too easily...its been more of a life long quest to preserve my own identity more than anything else. I've been so successful that they just to that conclusion, but really, what good is it if people don't accept you for who you truely are? Of course, W will disagree, but well, that's what I think.

These days...well...recently, I feel more and more like I'm waking(just still waking) up from a dream. Its like I've been asleep all this while and only now am I seeing clearly and realising things. My dreams are shattering, but then waking up will do that to you. I now hold on to my ideals, know that they'll only be just that, ideals.

Among the things that I've come to accept are that I'm completely unappealing to the opposite sex EXCEPT as an intellectual whore. Wondering what that is? Check out this address: http://www.intellectualwhores.com/ladderintro.html
Its time I started dealing with reality. Love doesn't exist. I'm starting to wonder about friendships. In this world, there are only 3 types of people you can really depend on. They are: God, yourself and yourself. Other people are motivated by their own adgendas and will only help you as far as it suits them. The uni has taught me that, if anything.

I wish I was born handsome!! Then I'd use it to go screw all manner of people in whatever manner applicable. Of course, IF I were handsome, I'd probably have much better experiences with this world and I probably wouldn't even be thinking this way. I might still be screwing around, but in a much more pleasurable way.

Dammit...I should've stayed asleep. What a world to wake up to. I'd go back to sleep, but the damage is done and well, I've no idea how anyway. Ah...I just feel so heartless. Not a bad thing really...its a kinda light floaty feeling...lalala...

Hey, there's a thought, maybe the reason gal aren't attracted to me has something to do with the fact that some people are speading word round that I'm some kind of casanova or something. Thank goodness some girls have the good sense to actually ask me about it. With friends like these, who needs enemies really? And frankly, is it any wonder why I find girls better company? There's all the reading between the lines, but I sure don't get any of that supposed backstabbing. Maybe girls only backstab girls unless provoked. I dunno. Or maybe they're just happy to have an intellectual whore around.

I hate thinking of people as resources. Sure, it works for W, but not for me. It just sucks. However, that's just the ideal. Reality is different. Bloody hell, if that's the way people see me, then I'll just play the game...and I'll be playing to win. I've had enough.

From Raydance's Blog...

First: the silly questions
1) How did you celebrate your birthday?
Dinner with family usually. Not big really, I normally don't even notice its my birthday till they remind me about it.

2) What's the most expensive thing you've bought?
A single thing? Hmm...not sure. But it was things...then it'd be my card collection...a few k on it at least.

3) What CDs have you bought? Zilch. I just borrow 'em off my aunt. She's got almost every freaking CD under the sun. And if she hears of one she doesn't have, she'll go get it. No classical stuff though.

4) Did you celebrate mother's day or father's day? No. They're not worth it.

5) Did you get anything for your teachers during teacher's day? They're not worth it either.

6) What is more significant: The Iraq war or the SARS crisis? Neither. I frankly didn't give a ****. I'm pretty much happy if there's a high death toll though. Every little bit helps.

7) How much alcohol do you drink?
Normally I'm as dry as a bone. But I can drink a heck lot, that much I'm sure.

Social / love life next!
9) How many crushes? Hahahahaha....

10) Have you started a romance? Me? *ME?* Hahahahahahaha....

11) Have you ended a romance? See above.

12) Have you valued love more? In this year? Hahahahahaha...that means a big fat NO btw.

13) Have you lost friends who have a significant role in your life? If I let 'em go, it means they weren't significant anymore.

14) Have you gained friends who have a significant role in your life? Frankly...no. Not recently. But then again, by my definition, very, very few people play significant roles in my life. I have gained friends I'm very thankful for though.

15) Have you valued friendship more? No. I think I value it much less now.

16) What do you think of IRC as a form of socialisation? Never used it. I stick to ICQ and MSN

17) What do you think of clubbing / pubbing as a form of socialisation? Err...not my choice, that's for sure.

18) Do you think you have become a more social person? Yes and no...in some ways I have...and in some ways I've become less social...so it kinda evens out to a 'no progress' state.

Memorable moments~
19) What's the most memorable present you have given? I don't know. People don't tell me if something I've given them is memorable.

20) What's the most memorable present you have received? This one's between God and me...^^

21) Who became the most memorable person in your life? Hmm...this one will have to go to a gal named Michelle...for having the guts to ask a total stranger(me, duh) for help right out of the blue. That caught me by surprise...and I'm seldom surprised.

22) What's the most memorable day in your life? In my life...hmm...Not sure. Got some pretty memorable days actually.

23) What's the most memorable thing that has happened? When? This year? Me getting into Uni. I was going *boing, boing, boing* "SCORE!!!!!!". Lolz...

24) What's the most memorable thing you have learnt? That I CAN be happy in this world. Sure, it'll take some effort and my happiness probably offends a good number of people, but screw them! From my point of view, it ought to be all about *me*. Its like Sagitta says, "If you don't pamper yourself, who's going to pamper you?". Its about time I stopped bothering about others and get what *I* want.

25) What's the most memorable thing you have said? "I'm here to talk about Porn. Yes, porn. And why Universities should offer a major in Porn, a subject that touches all aspects of life." I hope they were joking about showing the video of my speech to the dean. ^^

26) What's the most memorable thing you have heard someone say? I can't remember? Lolz...

Four ugly questions...
27) What did you regret the most? I don't do things I regret. Or rather, I don't regret the things I do, because if I was in the situation again, I'd do exactly the same thing.

28) What have you wasted the most time on? Anything I spend my time on isn't a waste of time. Wait...I know! Listening to my parents' lectures!

29) What did you miss the most? People who used to be closer to me. But life goes on. Ah well...

30) What did you hate the most? Parents. It probably going to be them until I can move away from them.

RESOLUTION...
i) To find all the keys...and perhaps find happiness. My God be my guide.