Thursday, March 22, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
It would seem that we've survived the first Term of this sad little job. Yeah, its just a job really, all the rubbish about it being meaningful is just that: rubbish. The way things are these days, I wouldn't care if all of humanity were sent to the depths of hell for all eternity. Actually, I'd rather like to send most of them there, just for the heck of it.
If anything, this proves that the editing of the core program is going smoothly. Just like when W is in full force, I'm starting to see most people not as people, but as variables. Of course, this doesn't apply to those I'm in at least semi-close contact with(yes, that includes you, Snoc). Emotional lockdown is also working full-time: effortlessly. I didn't realise just how effortlessly it was until some of my students commented on me never getting angry and that generally, I'm always in the same calm mood all the time. Naturally, I made it a point to act angry and raise my voice after that.
On the note of people that I'm generally cutting myself off from, the list is relatively interesting. There are some surprises on people whom I thought would make the list but didn't, even if they're only contacting me because they want to ask me about job related stuff. Much worse though is who did. It is a little sad because I did have a rather decent opinion of some of those people, but well...W was right in the end. I'm relatively sure I will run into two of these people again, should I enter NIE. Well, you can bet that I'll be ignoring those two little girls, that's for sure.
On the note of God, I can fully see why Christians become so lost and broken once their faith in their God is shattered. Christianity practically makes God your Life-support system. A mere psychological effect, but a powerful one, rather like an addiction really. The withdrawl symptoms are painful, but once those have passed...well, I'm not exactly finding my own life that much worse without him. Who knows, now that I'm not bound by silly Christian values, perhaps life will even improve! My own personal code of honour not withstanding. How did it get this far? Well, simply put, I'm tired. Tired of prayers unheard, tired of getting whacked left and right and just plain tired of seeing Him bless those whom he chooses while those like me are left to rot. I once thought He was on my side, but I'm blind no more. I can't ignore the fact that he's even blessing the demons who made my life hell for so many years, while I'm just practically condemned. Heck, I don't think I've ever been comfortable with cell groups or any church community as a whole. I went simply to seek Him...and wanted no part in the politics or social obligations; I wasn't there to hook up with a cute girl, become some high-ranked idiot in the social ladder or in service to the church. Well, how wonderfully that turned out. Seek and you'll find my foot. The bottom line is that if He wants me so badly, He knows where to find me: I'm through with fighting all the crap with ZERO help from Him.
The Target of July...must be met. Meaningless if I do not make it to NIE though. Though I can't for now, I'm sure W can fortify my will sufficiently. I WILL live in the world without love! Since I can't have it, I'll just purge the desire...for good if possible. No lies, no manipulation and most of all, no false hopes. Its happening already, come to think of it, since love and hate are very much two faces of the same coin. In the past few months, I think I've become far more cold and ruthless inside than I've ever been...and I see no reason to stop the process.
If anything, this proves that the editing of the core program is going smoothly. Just like when W is in full force, I'm starting to see most people not as people, but as variables. Of course, this doesn't apply to those I'm in at least semi-close contact with(yes, that includes you, Snoc). Emotional lockdown is also working full-time: effortlessly. I didn't realise just how effortlessly it was until some of my students commented on me never getting angry and that generally, I'm always in the same calm mood all the time. Naturally, I made it a point to act angry and raise my voice after that.
On the note of people that I'm generally cutting myself off from, the list is relatively interesting. There are some surprises on people whom I thought would make the list but didn't, even if they're only contacting me because they want to ask me about job related stuff. Much worse though is who did. It is a little sad because I did have a rather decent opinion of some of those people, but well...W was right in the end. I'm relatively sure I will run into two of these people again, should I enter NIE. Well, you can bet that I'll be ignoring those two little girls, that's for sure.
On the note of God, I can fully see why Christians become so lost and broken once their faith in their God is shattered. Christianity practically makes God your Life-support system. A mere psychological effect, but a powerful one, rather like an addiction really. The withdrawl symptoms are painful, but once those have passed...well, I'm not exactly finding my own life that much worse without him. Who knows, now that I'm not bound by silly Christian values, perhaps life will even improve! My own personal code of honour not withstanding. How did it get this far? Well, simply put, I'm tired. Tired of prayers unheard, tired of getting whacked left and right and just plain tired of seeing Him bless those whom he chooses while those like me are left to rot. I once thought He was on my side, but I'm blind no more. I can't ignore the fact that he's even blessing the demons who made my life hell for so many years, while I'm just practically condemned. Heck, I don't think I've ever been comfortable with cell groups or any church community as a whole. I went simply to seek Him...and wanted no part in the politics or social obligations; I wasn't there to hook up with a cute girl, become some high-ranked idiot in the social ladder or in service to the church. Well, how wonderfully that turned out. Seek and you'll find my foot. The bottom line is that if He wants me so badly, He knows where to find me: I'm through with fighting all the crap with ZERO help from Him.
The Target of July...must be met. Meaningless if I do not make it to NIE though. Though I can't for now, I'm sure W can fortify my will sufficiently. I WILL live in the world without love! Since I can't have it, I'll just purge the desire...for good if possible. No lies, no manipulation and most of all, no false hopes. Its happening already, come to think of it, since love and hate are very much two faces of the same coin. In the past few months, I think I've become far more cold and ruthless inside than I've ever been...and I see no reason to stop the process.
