Two in a day...but with good reason. I guess it wasn't a curse after all...in fact, it was something much better! So much better I can't believe it!! Yes, I'm hyper right now.

He's given me this key before...once. In my heartbreak and sorrow, I didn't see it. The same goes for today, I almost didn't see it. But I do now.

The story begins with W's creation. Back then...12 years ago...some evil, insecure children...demons...saw it fit to torture a poor boy into practical insanity. The pain, coupled with one of his own insecurities resulted in the creation of W. W is, as always, an evolving frame of mind...a brainwash with a mind of its own. A way to lockout emotion...but also as a way to force me to do what has to be done. Those demons took something away from me...many things actually. My sense of humour...my confidence...my willingness and enjoyment from talking to people...my ability to interract with people...and more. It ultimately meant that they effectively killed me...and for a good 12 years. You know that if the chance presents itself, I will still kill them without asecond thought.

Since then I've always tried to restore things to how I was before...and failed. I also became aware of a state of mind I began to refer to as "The Zone"...a state where I could do...well...a lot of things I couldn't otherwise do. Basically unleashing potential...memory, observation, creativity...etc. Try as I might, I couldn't place it...the method to trigger it. I could only enter it in the most desperate of times...and not even by choice.

Now I know what it is. The true nature of "The Zone"...is just me. The real me. The me prior to W's effects. The only way to bring it out...was to defeat W and break through to the Core Program and fracture it...to reach...me I guess. The key is emotion...the way to unlock the seal. That explains everything...in desperation, W drops in favour of focus.

All that's happened recently...well...Snoc did quite a number on me, but that wasn't enough to make me realise it. The guy up there...these past few weeks, what I've been through...completely broke all W's defences and so here I am. The problem was doubt...they made me insecure and doubt myself. I won't do that again. How long has it been since I last saw the sky? Thank you...Lord. Let the healing begin!

I have never been fragged so completely...and it hurts more than anything I've ever felt before. I guess it shows how utterly imperfect my defences are.

The first assault I could handle, but it really was bad enough. Now, with practically no recovery time at all, I've had to handle the second...no surprise my defences got broken. God or Devil...or just some really, really screwed up coincidence...but it seriously couldn't have been planned better. A first hit to throw me for a loop...to question my faith...or a question of my lack of faith...to prove things are possible...just not for me...or maybe?

The follow up...to let me taste happiness...have never had such a dream before. My dreams are usually dark...me running...or searching...or fighting...dying, but never dead...horrors...or the forbidden fruit that strangely, I never choose to taste, even in my dreams. W has broken me out a number of times...or I've woken up just while I'm dying in the dream...or when the dream sours. I've never mentioned it before, but even dreams of people I care about...even...dare I say it...love...they're never happy ones, at least as far as I'm concerned. The darkness of betrayal...which...usually becomes real. Yes, I can control the dream if I realise its a dream...but those don't count.

2 days ago, for the first time in my life, as far as I can remember, I had a happy dream. It was the most wonderful dream I've ever had, a dream of hope, happiness, love. To one such as I, who knows the darkness and the light, but who endures the pain of a meaningless and lonely existance...I don't remember ever being so happy in my life...all just in a dream. To one condemned to the darkness...the promise of light...and the extreme joy and sadness when I woke. The bittersweet taste of hope and loss...and the bliss of a joy I've never felt before...ever.

Today...a rude reminder of reality...that ultimately, I'm just an invisible, repulsive creature...lukewarm...not nice enough to want, yet not distasteful enough to be rid of. A reminder of how things haven't changed and how I'll always be an outsider looking it...and how it'll take a miracle for me not to end up alone. A realisation that even someone single and desperate...and not good looking either...such a person wouldn't even consider me a potential mate.

A more masterful deathblow couldn't have been orchestrated. I have discovered that this still wasn't enough to make me shed tears...perhaps I really have lost that ability...to cry, at least from emotional pain. Still...for a while, it made me wish I didn't exist. For all that I've been through...I've never been turned against myself so completely.

I feel way to self-distructive right now...but I can't kill myself to end it...and that wouldn't end it either. If the Legacy is the ship of the lost...then I truely deserve to be her captain.

Life Sucks.

Yes, naturally there's that lot of people whose lives are so blessed that they'd claim life is what you and you alone make of it. Its a wonderful thing to believe in...how I wish it were true. Life's been hell these past few weeks, with thngs just going plain wrong, others offending practically everything I value as right, showing me that my ideals are foolish fantasies and to put it bluntly, it seems like God and the Devil(if they exist) teamed up to make my life miserable. There's really not much else to do then to just take it and carry on.

On that note, on the off chance that the Christian God actually does exist, I personally want to take as many Christians with me to hell as possible. Since I can't destroy the ultimate source of my unhappiness, I just have to hit where I can. As far as I'm concerned, there are no innocents in this world. I'll have to work out my own way of doing it though, since I'm relatively sure I won't have Kao's help for this one. I'll bet that the Devil(again, IF he/she exists) won't back me up on it either. That "loving" God can go ahead an protect all his beloved children...IF he wants to, heh. I'm believing in that lie no longer. IF he even exists, whoever he does care about, he sure doesn't care about ME.

I'm really NOT looking forward to NIE at all. The prospect of being alone, facing the unknown again, while exciting, is really just going to turn out as it always turns out. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Maybe I'll just have to abandon all that I value as right and just do all that I know to be wrong.

Actually...I think I've had it with humanity too. Enough is really enough.